What If Your Life WAS The Adventure?

Today we closed up our trailer. Our little summer home that we have enjoyed immensely for the last five years. It was actually snowing when we awoke this morning and the weird snow-shower-sunny-rainy morning continued as we packed away deck furniture, loaded up linens and did the end-of-season dance known to those of us lucky enough to own a piece of seasonal paradise.

Then we drove home.

It took twenty minutes.

Yes, our new home is just across the peninsula on another body of beautiful water, with a magnificent and ever-changing view that we enjoy daily.

Yes, as Ontario folks near and far are closing down for the winter, we actually live in our cottage. Like, full-time.

This was not a fluke or happy coincidence. When I was a kid my father built our first summer shack and it immediately became my favourite place in the world. There was no plumbing, no indoor toilet, no ceiling (just a big cathedral roof and dividers with curtains between the bedrooms) and no heat, save for a small, black wood-burning fireplace. There were mice and spiders and giant moths and bats. It was glorious.

During my (misspent) teenage years, the idea started to percolate in my beer-soaked brain that living in a cottage would be wonderful.  That chill, woodsy vibe suited me just fine. Naturally indoor plumbing was factored in (as was – much later – a dishwasher, laundry facilities and a soaker tub) but I already knew by the time I was 17 that I wanted to live by the water in a cottage. A “cottagey” home.

And here I am. Here we are.

Living the dream.

And that, my friends, is the point. You can dream all you want. And we should. But it is vital that we pursue those dreams with (realistic) zeal! Plan the work and then work the plan. Figure out a way to live your adventure every single day.

Back in my 40s, when I was living my ex-husband’s dream, I was already planning our next adventure when we were flying off to our current one. It drove him crazy (and rightfully so). But even though my life – on the outside – looked pretty damn cushy, it was a life I needed to escape from.

Eventually I did. That is when I learned that no matter how hard you dream and how hard you work at achieving that dream, you don’t always get the dream you thought you wanted. Fair enough. Well, not really, but hey, it’s life, right?

But the one thing I NEVER gave up on was the desire to not only escape to my great adventure but to actually LIVE my great adventure. Day in, day out. And please understand when I say “adventure” I mean REALISTIC adventure. Lake Como with George Clooney didn’t happen (why?) and Malibu in a beach house didn’t happen either.

What happened was Lake Huron with a view (not waterfront) with a scientist cum/handyman. He didn’t win the Nobel, my book didn’t hit any bestseller list and we sure as heck can’t afford waterfront. But I can assure you we are LIVING the adventure every day. Covid hasn’t impacted our mental health the way it has so many BECAUSE we are living our adventure every day. We have no need to escape. We are okay with hunkering down. We are even looking forward to whatever the winter months will throw at us.

I know we are fortunate. Some would say lucky.

I say we planned our work and worked our plan. We adapted when things went sideways and we were open and available to new or shall we say “altered” dreams. We wanted water and a cottage to call home. Everything else was negotiable.

This past summer, when we sold our previous house and hadn’t found that dream home I so coveted, I started to get a little worried. Then I widened my lens, looked further afield than my dream may have dictated and discovered this place. The moment we walked in I was thunderstruck. It was wood, wood and more wood. Wood walls and wood ceilings and wood shelves and wood floors and wood doors and WOOD.

“Well,” thought I, “we’ll just paint some of this wood, won’t we?”

And then it hit me.

THIS was my cottage. This was my dream. This was not some suburban home transplanted to the shores of a great lake nor was it some glorified mansion built to look “rustic” but in reality was a glorified mansion.

This unexpected house was my cottage/home.

It was our next great adventure.

It is now our current adventure. I know we are fortunate. I know there are so many who struggle to make ends meet daily and adventure is the last thing on their list of priorities.

I know.

I also know that if you don’t know WHAT your adventure is, you’ll never find it. If you haven’t dreamed it, wanted it, willed it, worked towards it … well, how can it ever happen?

Don’t let it fade. All that youthful exuberance, faith and lust for adventure, don’t let it die.

Dream.

Then plan you work and work the plan to get that damn dream fulfilled.

Live the adventure.

Every. Single. Day.

p.s. The trailer is still for sale.

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

There Is Something More Important Than Being Loved …

Indeed there is.

You might think it is being respected. You might think it is being appreciated. You might even think it is being heard.

I think it is being seen. I believe that being seen is more important than being loved.

I’m not talking about selfies, a mirror or my Instagram feed. I am talking about being seen to my very core. Being seen in all my psychological mess. Being seen in my glory and my despair. Being seen and acknowledged and recognized for all the beautiful and bitter truth my soul can muster.

I want to be seen.

Unfortunately it sounds simple and it should be easy but it is not. We are all quick to “love” because love is such a sweet, emotive, understandable action. Sure we comprehend that there are many different levels of love (the love for a spouse, the love for a child, the love for a friend, the love for a pet) but we spew the word freely in any number of scenarios. We spew because it feels good. It feels good to feel love, to do love, to say love. We like feeling good.

But to really see someone, well, that’s a whole different story. Because the truth is – you might not love what you see. When you really gaze into the deepest pit of a person’s foundation you might see grubby dishonesty or dirty disregard. You might see sloppy emotions and unresolved anger. You might see chaotic confusion and untidy torment.

Love is snug and ordered. To risk really seeing someone you must risk turbulence and disarray.

Fact is we are programmed from an early age to avoid turbulence and disarray at all costs. Snug and ordered wins the prize! Messy gets you detention. So we develop an armour to keep all of our messy buried. We want to win, dammit!

But what good is a prize when it is won under false pretenses?

I realized very early in life that I was a messy girl. My father and I locked horns regularly in my stubborn teenage years. I was a good student but never afraid to challenge a teacher (or a professor or a theatrical director) if I thought they were off-base. I had a mouth on me and the brain to back it up and I wasn’t afraid to use it. This made life very messy. Both my first lover and my first husband hit me. Just to shut me up. And I remember a later beau once saying to me in a fit of rage, “If I was ever going to hit a woman …”

He didn’t. I think he knew at that point I would have him charged.

But the point is I didn’t spout off because I wanted to be punched. I spouted off because I wanted to be SEEN. I wanted the mess building up inside of me to pour out of me. I desperately wanted to share the mess so that it would stop encumbering me. I felt very alone in my mess and I just kept scrapping and sparring in the hopes that someone – anyone – would say, “STOP! I see you. It’s okay. I see all of your mess and I still love you.”

My 2nd (much better) husband never came close to hitting me. When my mess reared its demanding head he just left. Always emotionally and sometimes physically. He would say, “I don’t need this!” and go for a walk.

He didn’t need my mess. He didn’t want my mess. He absolutely REFUSED my mess.

And so I learned to stifle it. Hide it. Bury it.

As we all know, anything that kicks and screams and demands attention and is then stifled and buried? Well, it’s going to show up someday. And when it does it’s not going to be pretty.

So that is why I now BEG to be seen. I allow my unkempt soul fee reign. I encourage my pugnacious heart to speak freely and fully.

And those people who prefer order? Those people who select silence? Those people who don’t need this?

I encourage them to build a life elsewhere. Without me. No hard feelings, honest. YOU are the architect of your own cosmos.

As I am of mine.

I want to be seen.

It was the movie “Avatar” that brought this to light. Those lovely, big blue people, remember? They said, “I see you.”

It was so much more than I love you. So. Much. More.

I think “I see you” meant “I see your soul.” I see beyond the façade, beyond the armour and beyond the ridiculous simplicity of Disney love. I see you and I see your heart and I see your mess and I see your substance and I see your potential. I see ALL of you.

And I’m still here.

To me, that is so much more important than just being loved.

Posted in relationships | Tagged , | 2 Comments

What Do You Mean, I Can’t Solve Every Problem?

I have a headache. My neck is sore and my shoulders are aching. My blood pressure is up again. I think my teeth hurt too.

I wonder why? Do you think it might be stress?

Yeah, maybe. We are living in weird times. Stress, on some inherent level, invades our lives on a daily basis. Every time I put on a mask I’m sure my BP blips. Every time my throat tickles or the staircase takes more than its usual toll I am absolutely certain I HAVE IT. We watch the numbers skyrocket as this second wave takes hold and there goes my BP again. And then there’s that damn election south of the border …

But there is more. There is much more stress on a personal level and I am learning (the hard way) that it is UP TO ME to manage that stress. It is UP TO ME to prioritize that stress. It is UP TO ME to take my meds but also sort out a more “holistic” approach to my headache and my blood pressure.

This past spring I published a book. My book. Probably the one and only book I will ever write. I published it during a pandemic when Black Lives Matters was dominating the press and the publishing world. Then I sold yet another house. After which I moved into yet another house in yet another community. Our new house had (serious) water issues and internet issues and oh yeah, our mover actually left some stuff behind and my dog had non-stop diarrhea all of these issues were stressful.

But the real issues was this:

I am a fixer. I have always been a fixer and I do pride myself on being quite good at it. I have a logical brain and it runs really fast. So if YOU have a dilemma I will think and think and think some more until I find a way to fix it. I will lose sleep and take Tylenol and  drink too much wine UNTIL I figure out a way to fix your problem. And if I can’t figure out how to actually fix your problem (because let’s face it, some problems are unfixable) I will allow you to talk ad infinitum about your problem and I will allow you to drag me into your endless dialogue about your problem and I will listen to every word you share about your problem until eventually your problem will feel like my problem and oh fuck … there go those numbers again.

Apparently I’m not very good at saying “no” to a pal with a problem.

But I have decided it is time I learned. It is time I put my own health first. It is time I started to say “No, this is not a good time” or “No, I can’t have this conversation right now” or “No, you can’t come visit” or “No, you’re going to have to sort this one out on your own.” I once read that “NO is a full sentence”. We shouldn’t have to always explain our decisions. We hope that our friends and even family members will understand (and forgive) when we simply cannot serve. Or when serving our self becomes necessary.

It’s a tough one. If my son needs me I will lie down in front of a train if it will help. If my beloved is struggling it’s unlikely I’ll say, “Oh well, you sort it out.” And if a close friend reaches out … damnit I’ll probably still answer the phone.

Is it a guilt thing? Do I feel guilty if I do not show up on demand? Do I actually feel it is my God-given responsibility to ALWAYS be available (even when my doctor might counsel otherwise)?

I don’t know.

And quite frankly I don’t know how I’m going to resolve this conundrum. What I do know is that I am going to start by recognizing that it exists. By acknowledging that it is hurting my health. By realizing that if I don’t get that oxygen I so desperately need, I won’t have any oxygen to share.

This new mindset is also going to have to spill over into all aspects of my daily life. ALL ASPECTS.

So … I am going to have to take a Twitter-vacation. A morning-news wrap-up holiday. A social media break from politics. I will read Heather Cox Richardson every morning because she is a true voice of clarity and reason in a completely unreasonable time. But that’s it. I’m pretty sure I can’t solve the political shit-show that happens daily in the United States. I can’t even vote even though I am still an American citizen (by birth … you have to live there for two years in a row to vote and I never have). I cannot will the American populace to grow a fucking brain and vote out that imbecile AND all of his blood-curdling cronies. My constant attention to what is happening down south will in no way impact what actually happens down south on election day or any day thereafter.

So I must let it go. I must live to fight another day. I must live to fight battles I might actually impact. I must stop trying to fix everything and spend a little more time fixing me.

I may learn to say “no” a little more often.

I may not.

“Physician, heal thyself!” comes to mind. And I am no doctor.

I’m pretty sure the world will keep on turning without my constant involvement. OUR constant involvement. I think we can all learn to let go of this overwhelming need to fix stuff. All stuff. Other people’s stuff. It’s okay if we just stand back and breathe. Nurture ourselves. Even if just for a moment.

I have no idea how this will go for me tomorrow. But if I don’t answer your phone call or immediately respond to your text … I hope you’ll understand why.

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

What Happens When You Live Inside Your Own Ass …

When my British Beloved and I first started dating, he introduced me to this delightful and quite descriptive phrase: “That guy is so up his own ass!”

Up his own ass.

I love it. Didn’t totally understand it then but now I think I do. Up your own ass means you have an exceptionally high opinion of yourself. It means your ego is perhaps a bit out of check. It means you might be a touch blind to what is going on around you because, well, your head is in a deep, dark place.

We all go there sometimes. The trick is not to dwell there indefinitely. The trick is to realize that residing in that special sanctum (I said sanctum, not rectum) is stupid because it’s dark and you can’t see what’s going on around you. How the hell can you see anything when your head is up your own ass? As opposed to, say, attached to your neck where it belongs.

The sad fact though, is that far too many folk end up dwelling up their own asses for far too long. This is not to say they become full-fledged ego maniacs. I just mean that instead of a quick trip to “me-and-only-me” land, they choose (for whatever reason) to sign a long-term lease, pack up the furniture and move it and all their other baggage into their own ass indefinitely.

I know this because I did this. Many years ago when my heart got ripped out of my chest, stomped on and then splattered against numerous random walls, I too left the land of the living and moved into my own ass. There I languished in turmoil and pain, suffering, suffering and suffering more because there was only room in my ass for me and my pain. Nobody else fit. So day after day, week after week, my pain and I inhabited my ass. In hindsight (pardon the pun) I think I must have felt safe in my ass. Safe from more pain, yes, but also safe from the anxiety-ridden torture of actually living my miserable and heartbroken life outside of my ass. My derriere provided exactly enough living space for me to NOT have to worry or even think about anyone else.

Here’s the problem. And I apologize but there is no delicate way to say this. When you live inside your ass the only thing you see is shit.

In order to fully experience the wonders of life, the magnificence of this planet, the glories of music and art and literature and Netflix, the warmth of friendship, the devotion of family, the affection of dogs and the taste of a freshly baked apple pie you have to get out of your ass and get on with living. No matter how daunting that task might seem.

So what’s the answer? How do you do it? What concrete steps can you take to get back into the light?

Simple.

Start doing things for other people.

That’s right. Get out of your ass, stop thinking only about you and your problems and start doing things for other people.

Once those wounds started healing, those deeply carved heart-wounds, I made it my mission to seek out and facilitate moments of wonder. Those aforementioned wonders of life. I sought out my busy, overworked single-mother friends and invited them and their offspring for dinner so that they could have a night off from cooking without the price of a restaurant meal. I did this weekly. Sometimes more. because is twas also very good for me. I hosted jams in my home monthly so that my music-minded pals could make music with abandon and not worry about cleaning up the next day. I volunteered at my son’s school so that I could infuse some creative spirit into his learning and also enjoy yearly the absolute wonders of Wonderland (sitting with seven backpacks while my charges rode the roller coaster for the third time). I paid attention to my pals in pain and made sure they had a safe haven (my bar) to vent their sorrows and heal their hearts. I visited my mother weekly. I walked my dog daily. I started a little music group with two other women only because they were SO wanting to make professional music and I was able to make that happen. I just kept going and going like the Energizer Bunny until one day I woke up and realized my life was pretty good. It wasn’t what I expected but it was fulfilling. It was uplifting. It was on a positive trajectory.

I was no longer living inside my own ass.

We all will experience pain in this life. We will all get slammed and slaughtered and hurt or neglected and abused and misused. And yes, we will all on occasion take time to vacation in our own asses so that we can heal.

Let’s just not get too comfortable in that posterior palace. Let’s make a concerted effort to restore, rejuvenate and move forward. In the light. Let’s remember that the world is full of distressed damsels (and dudes). In the grand scheme of The Universe (if it has such a thing) we are just tiny mites of dust. At least we will be soon enough. So let’s just try to big-picture the hell out of this life and put our pain to good work. It comes back tenfold, this I know.

Remember, in the immortal words of this blogger, when you live inside your ass all you see is shit.

So please … just leave that … behind.

(sorry again)

Posted in relationships | Leave a comment

How Many Selfies Will It Take To Make You Feel Loved …

This morning I read a tweet (turned into a meme) from someone named Bruxy Cavey: “Humans long for unconditional love, but market a false self to get conditional love. Hence, our true selves are neither known nor loved.”

I have no idea who Bruxy is, what he does, if he’s nice or if he’s an asshole. I do believe though, based on this one statement, that he is very, very smart.

This is what I see on my social media feeds every single day. I see people – and when I say people what I really mean is women (mostly) – posting a daily dose of “Look at me and my wonderful life!” “Look at me working out!” “Look at me smelling flowers!” “Look at me having a glass of wine with someone else who wants you to look at them having a glass of wine with me!”

And on and on it goes. Humans longing for love. Longing to be seen. To be recognized. To be affirmed.

“Look at me, look at me, look at me. I’m okay, right?”

Am I okay.

Am I pretty enough, active enough, slim enough, interesting enough, young enough, aging gracefully enough? Am I worthy of your follow, of your like, of your comment, of your …. love.

Before I type another word I will admit to dancing with this devil myself. I work in an industry (media) where “profile” is important. Catering to “fans” is part of the job. Showcasing my work is “necessary advertisement” and publicizing parts of my life comes with the territory.

Parts.

But I have never learned to take a good selfie and now I am glad. I do not want selfies of me saturating the internet. I do not feel an unquenchable need to share every moment of my life. When I go for a walk, I go for a walk. If I see something beautiful or interesting I take a picture. I take a picture of the beautiful or interesting thing. I do not take a picture of me grinning in front of the beautiful or interesting thing. I am neither beautiful nor interesting when I walk. I am typically sweaty and skanky. And ya know what – I do not need to post a picture of sweaty and skanky me (in front of something beautiful and interesting) and hashtag it with a bunch of humble mumbo-jumbo extolling the virtues of “keeping it real” or “getting the job done.”

I do not need to “market a false self” to get conditional love. Love that is conditional on me continuing to market the “profile” I have created. Not the “what’s in my head” profile. The “what do I look like living my fabulous life” profile.

Which brings me to this brief aside: those busy little social media beavers sharing their “insights” into how to be your best self or live your best life or blah, blah, blah … I’m bored. I’m pretty sure you’re not an expert. If I need expert advice I’ll buy a book or see a therapist. Armchair psychology delivered via social media by self-proclaimed “authorities” is little more than a lame attempt to create stardom – for yourself. You may think you’re helping, and maybe your fan-base will even confirm that. But in the end it is still YOU searching for affirmation. It’s weird how there is a whole new star-structure (usually self-awarded) on social media.

I write this blog BECAUSE I want my true self to be known. I know that I’m lucky if half a dozen people read my musings and that’s okay too. I would rather half a dozen people be compelled to THINK than a hundred dozen people believe my life is perfect because I purport it to be so.

Purport is my favourite word when it comes to social media pandering.  Purport: to present, especially deliberately, the appearance of being, often falsely.

This is the time in my blog where I would normally bring forth stories of individuals I know who are guilty as charged. Believe me, I know LOTS of them. I love quite a few of them too, in spite of their addiction to self-promotion. And please understand I am well aware of the difference between promotion and self-promotion.

Promotion: Advocate your work. Advocate your creativity. Advocate your business. Advocate your product.

Self-promotion: YOU are now the product. Everything surrounding you is incidental. YOU are the star.

I can tell you honestly that most of the people I know who fill their feeds with their own face have insecurities. Self-esteem issues. Doubts. Uncertainties. Anxiety. And this oh-so-public addiction is the way they combat those demons. They seek “conditional love.” I mean c’mon – how can it be unconditional when it is ALL based on a photo? On what YOU choose and what YOU purport?

I find it all a bit sad. And so there will be no personal tales in this blog.

I will only say this: I love the sky. Sunrises, sunsets, clouds, huge vistas and starry nights. I love water and mountains and castles. I love happy people making merry and musical people making noise. I love artists who promote their art, businesses that promote their commerce, families that promote their tribe and friendships that promote their familiarity. I love travel photos and decorating photos and food photos and animal photos.

I do not love the blatant “marketing” of self in order to win conditional love. You want unconditional love? Try living your life, not as a continual photo op but as an experience in which you are truly and wholly present. An experience that doesn’t always have to be documented and certainly doesn’t ever need to be purported. A life not designed by your own inner ad-exec, desperate to sell your product, which is, of course … you.

Try taking yourself out of the picture every now and then.

You don’t have to BE the picture.

You can just live it. Enjoy it. Be in it.

Share it.

Or not.

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Thing About Sex …

Which came first- the chicken or the egg?

I know … a real conundrum. And you thought I was going to talk about sex.

Actually, I am. And the big question is – which comes first? Intimacy or intercourse?

Now I know a lot of self-righteous puritans will chime right in and say, “Intimacy! You must have intimacy first for sex to be meaningful! There must be a sharing of emotions and loving discourse and true participation of souls for sex to achieve its best potential.”

Yeah, maybe.

I know that’s how my friend P feels. P and her hubby haven’t had sex in months because he is building a new business and working exhausting hours. P hardly ever sees him. So when she does, like when he wakes her up late at night or first thing in the morning, looking for a little ‘communion’, she pushes him away. She explains firmly that she is not a “wham-bam-thank-you-mam” kind of gal. She admonishes his lack of emotional foreplay, his utter disregard for physical foreplay and his apparent disinterest in satisfying her needs. P expects more.

P’s hubby sighs with abject frustration, staggers to the shower and then bolts to work, committed to face yet another 12-hour day with no satisfaction in his back pocket.

This goes on for weeks. And then months. P’s hubby finally stops initiating sex altogether and P figures he’s just too tired to care. She reckons when they finally take that Cuba trip he’s been promising her, they’ll figure it all out and get back to carnal knowledge.

Yeah, no.

You see, right or wrong, noble or evil, P’s hubby is now banging his colleague. As a matter of fact, P’s hubby has actually fallen in love with his colleague. No matter that they’re having quickies in the board room and “wham-bam-thank-you-mams” in the parking lot. P’s hubby and his colleague have somehow forged intimacy in the most un-intimate way and are planning a new life. Together.

P does not have a fucking clue.

So I ask again. Chicken or egg?

What if P had indulged her hubby? What if P had agreed to a morning interlude that wasn’t perfect but was maybe – necessary. Necessary for her hubby to face the grind for yet another day. And what if this unbalanced program ran for months?

P’s girlfriends would say, “You deserve more!” They would say, “This isn’t fair!” They would say, “Hold out until he understands what YOU need!”

But what if P replied, “I need intimacy with my husband. But right now, at this moment in time, I need to support my husband more than I need to get what I want. And maybe – just maybe – if I fuel his tank with the gasoline he needs, he will find the energy to bring what I need to the table. Or the bedroom.”

That is exactly what happened with N. After many months of “negotiating” (read: bargaining) with her partner, N realized that fighting for sex, romance, intimacy or all of the above was an exercise in futility. They were both frustrated with the dialogue and frustrated with the end (or lack thereof) result. So she “capitulated”.  “Let’s just do it!” she exclaimed one evening after the kids were sound asleep. Not with hostility or disdain but with enthusiasm, like an adventurer stoked to attempt a new climb.

It was quick and efficient but N had fun. N’s partner had fun. After all that fun, they passed out cold.  And the next morning N initiated playtime again. Her partner was incredulous – and thrilled. That night he suggested they plan a “date” for the weekend – kids to Grandma, romantic dinner a deux and some leisurely time in bed. N’s guy had gotten the message – gratefully – and was now prepared to do his bit.

I’m with them. You see, I believe sex begets sex. The less you have it the less you need it. And the less you need it the less you want it. And the less you want it the less you’re willing to give it, even when it is highly and fervently desired by your beloved.

But the more you have it, the more you realize it DOES bring intimacy to your relationship. The egg doesn’t always have to come first. Sometimes a quickie gets the job done and renews the special bond you share. Face it, in a monogamous relationship you’re only having sex with one person. It’s your special treasure. The unique and exclusive jewel in the crown of your commitment. Something to be valued, polished, cherished and yes – practiced. When you don’t, well, that tiara loses its luster pretty damn fast.

Okay, sorry, bad analogy.

But please don’t believe for a minute this is strictly a man/woman dilemma. As in “man wants frequent coitus, woman wants frequent romance and/or infrequent congress” (no, we’re not talking politics here although when I think about it, maybe we are?). On one level perhaps it is an age-old problem. My buddy D explains to me that most guys need sex to feel intimacy. His take is that most women need intimacy in order to feel sexual. This may well be a hardwired neurological basis for reproduction. Think about it – men were the pursuers. Women were the deciders. Men would test the waters with sex and if it felt right to them they would start feeling intimate. This would maintain the relationship. Now the women needed to feel the connection FIRST in order to have sex and reproduce. Kind of a neurological checks and balance system. It guaranteed good and long term mate selection. Not to mention survival of the species.

But in modern relationships, we typically get to a place where  sex is more for pleasure than propagation. And that is where “appetite” comes into play. And just to be clear, it’s not always a Mars/Venus thing. As it turns out some women are way hungrier than their men.

So I ask … do you have to be starving to eat? Do you have to be famished to enjoy a fine meal? Do you have to eat only celery for dinner in order to enjoy chocolate cake for dessert?

In the formative days of a relationship (and I mean that in its truest sense … not a hookup, not a fling, not a dalliance – a liaison with legs) I do believe intimacy should come first. How I know this is irrelevant (okay, I’ll probably write a blog about it tomorrow) but I DO know it from personal experience (if you don’t believe me, read my book).

But when you’re in it and everybody (the two of you) gets complacent and lazy and smug and FORGETFUL, things screw up. Things get chippy. Things get way too BUSINESS-LIKE and the contest over who-gets-what-when ultimately turns into detente (silence – when nobody gets anything anytime), outright hostility (when argument because the new passion) or – like in P’s case – replacement.

P told me once many years ago that she had decided firmly to NEVER indulge in “duty-sex”.

And now she doesn’t have to.

I prefer to call it “loving-sex”.  A physical manifestation of your affection, desire and TRUST in your beloved. An act of generosity so profound and so unselfish it transcends the minutiae of everyday life and invites just a little bit of heaven into the mundane.

There is no chicken and there is no egg. There is communion – the interchange or sharing of thoughts or emotions; an intimate communication.

And that is the exact thing about sex …

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Crazy Messed-Up Sock Drawer (and other weird personality markers I keep hidden) …

I haven’t blogged in a while. Mostly because of that book I just published (you know how kids are … most of the work comes after they are born) but also because I am moving. Again. 8th time in 16 years. It’s not that I’m a glutton for punishment. It’s more like I am a seeker, continually searching for my true home. With this next move I do believe I’ll be getting closer.

But that is future-Vickie’s problem. Current Vickie is up to her eyeballs in packing, culling, organizing and preparing. Which brings me to my sock drawer …

I used to have a dedicated sock drawer. Every laundry day I would pair up those cute little toe-warmers and neatly place them in their home, lined up like good little soldiers ready for their next march. For the record, I also had a dedicated panty drawer and a dedicated bra drawer.

Not anymore. It would appear that in the last several years (and moves) I have given up all semblance of organization. Orderliness is out the window. Systematization has become irrelevant. I now have an underwear drawer. Or two. And where everything lands is a total crap-shoot.

But wait … there’s more! When I dress for my daily walk I just grab whichever two socks show up first. Sometimes it’s a purple one and a green one, sometimes it’s a white one and a striped one and sometimes I hit the jackpot and they actually match! I don’t care. I am not walking to put on a fashion show (if you’ve ever seen me you know this to be true) and I really don’t care if my tootsies correspond. A sock is a sock is a sock. It only has one job to do and harmonization is not on the resume.

I have recently taken my delinquent sock system a step further. I no longer match up my beloved’s stockings either. They’re either navy or black and they all go into the same drawer. He can sort them (or not) when he gets dressed. Not my problem anymore.

I think with all this moving (not to mention learning and growing) I have come to realize quite succinctly what IS a waste of my time and what is not. Matching anybody’s socks is way down on my list of priorities. Folding panties and cupping bra sides together (I know people who do this!) … never! Organizing separate drawers and then keeping them neat? Not interested. You should see me fold a fitted sheet! I mean, I don’t. I flip it around a few times until it looks like it might fit into my linen closet and then I stuff it into my linen closet.

So why? Why have I chosen to abandon propriety in the name of renegade socks and messy linens?

I think it has to do with freedom. Freedom from conformity. Freedom from what we “nice girls” were taught was important. Freedom to spend our hours in pursuits that matter to us.

And THAT is the kicker. Pursuits that matter to us. You see, I do like clean clothes and clean sheets. I also like writing books and cooking dinners and walking miles and making music. I like all of these things more than I like an orderly sock drawer. Sorry socks … you lose.

That is not to say that you shouldn’t iron your sheets and line up your perfectly-paired socks IF THAT IS YOUR JAM. Always jam your jam, people, whatever it is. My pal M recently did me the hugest favour of doing a load of my laundry when I couldn’t. I was fully prepared to pull my stuff out of her dryer, throw it back into the basket and deal with it when I got home, wrinkles be damned. But nooooooo. By the time I got even close to those clothes M had folded then so beautifully and so precisely you would have thought she ran a laundromat for royalty. Full-time. Like she had a PhD in Wrinkle-Removing.

I love M with all my heart and was delighted by her jamming her jam. Or, in this case, my jam (read: dirty clothes). But I am not ever going back. I mean, I’ll go back to M’s anytime (even if she doesn’t fold my clothes). I’m just not going back to caring about laundry. In my new home all of my dainties will reside in whichever drawer they land. I will continue to wear mismatched socks (and probably mismatched everything else) when I walk. My sheets will find their way to my bed, wrinkles be damned. I will write another book, more blogs, drink wine, cook dinners and make music.

And I will continue to walk as long as my two feet carry me. Next time you see me out pounding the trail, check my socks.

I bet you a bottle of wine they won’t match. And I hope we both laugh.

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Was The Prettiest When I Was The Unhappiest

I have spent some time this past week amalgamating old photos on my Facebook feed. I have four laptops on the go currently, all filled with digital pics. And this of course does not include the many ancient photo albums – the real kind – also in my possession, also filled to the brim. And so, in the interest of simplifying my online existence, I have been sorting, sacrificing and saving.

It’s been an interesting journey to say the least. Looking back into my 20s, 30s and 40s I see “Vickie the Performer”, “Vickie the Mother” and “Vickie the Broadcaster”. There are a few more in there too (Lover, Daughter, Friend and Goofball) and I find all of these Vickies to be quite fascinating. Mostly because I realize that A) I did not peak in high school or my 20s – neither physically or professionally and B) when I did peak, at least physically, I was a pretty unhappy girl. I was pretty. And I was unhappy.

I was heartbroken, guilt-ridden, lonely, unfulfilled and confused.

But damn, did I ever look good! I was slim (hello Trauma Diet) and I was sexy and I was pretty. Hey, don’t take my word for it. A few days ago when I posted a slew of photos my old pal R said something like “Damn Vick, did you ever look good!”

Did.

He said “did.”

That “did” photo was from ten years ago. Man, can a lot ever change in 10 years.

I’ve gained weight, grown some gray hair, earned more wrinkles and somehow developed bags under my eyes. My face is fatter, my legs aren’t exactly show-stoppers anymore, my lips have disappeared and I have these weird brown spots, you know, like a human liver-spotted Dalmatian.

But guess what? I am no longer heartbroken, guilt-ridden, lonely, unfulfilled and confused. Okay maybe still a bit confused, and that is no doubt because I overthink everything and keep expecting that blinding flash of illumination to brighten my skies. For the record it hasn’t. But a reasonably bright glimmer has invaded my psyche and I am good with that. I am good with my journey and its present status. I am good with the life lessons I have endured and the wisdom I have incurred. (It’s all in my upcoming book, please buy it).

So why can’t I be the prettiest I’ve ever been now? Why can’t my outer package mirror my inner flowering? It’s not like there are 30 or 40 years between Current-Me and Prettiest-Me. Only 10. Ten measly fucking fairly content years, devoid of gut-wrenching despair and soul-searching torment. A decade still filled with examination and quest, yes.  Just not jam-packed with agony (and the occasional moment of ecstasy).

My guess is life just doesn’t work that way. We earn our silver hair and wrinkles. But we don’t just earn them. We progress toward them every day. An undeniable and unavoidable journey. Whether happy or sad, content or still striving, we get older. And out prettiest-me days fade further and further into memory.

Well, you know, except for social media, which is delighted to remind us daily of how we USED to look.

Fair enough. Here’s what it doesn’t remind us of. How we used to feel. I mean, unless you are one of those blessed serene souls who has waltzed through life with nary a scratch or a bruise, photos will only tell a two-dimensional story.

Here’s the other thing I learned this past week, looking at all those photos. I had this smile. This “ready-for-my-photo” smile. Closed lips, controlled, very fucking pretty. It’s the very smile that is on full display in that photo of R and me, the one where he said I “looked so good.”

I have no idea what happened to that smile. It doesn’t really exist anymore. I’m not really sure where it came from and I’m not really sure where it went. It sure made for a pretty picture. I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with me.

So here I am in this new phase of life. I suppose I could lose weight, Botox my face to the hilt, colour my own hair and wear makeup every day.

Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t.

What I WILL do is look back on that oh-so-pretty girl with fondness and nostalgia. A bit of melancholy when I remember her innate sadness. A bit of mirth at her Mona Lisa smile. A bit of envy of her killer legs.

A bit of relief that she matured into a cup-fully-full woman who is hopefully defined by the huge grin that envelops her face completely when she’s happy, fat cheeks and baggy eyes be damned.

When R posted his comment about how good I lookED, I was delighted that two of my gorgeous girlfriends replied, “SHE STILL DOES!” I know his remark was “innocent” and unintentionally hurtful. He is a good man with a huge heart and I know he meant no harm. I also acknowledge he may have been (inadvertently) uttering the truth.

The other thing I truly believe is that women get it. We get it and we support each other THROUGH it. Because IT is inevitable. We are so lucky to have come out the other side of our prettiest-ever days and still be in the game. Hopefully we now get to enjoy our contentest-ever days. Our realest-ever days. Our LUCKIEST-ever days.

Also I’d like to mention that I really like lobster mac and cheese and wine. And chocolate.

Thanks for listening.

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“When We Come Out Of This …”

How many times have you heard that phrase in the past two months?

Or perhaps “When this is all over …”

Or “When we finally get back to normal …”

We’re a funny lot, aren’t we? Always aiming for a finish line. An end-point. A conclusion. We are a race weirdly preoccupied with the race. (Hmmmm – coincidence?). We strive for closure. A solid outcome. A finale.

Kinda silly when you think about it, right? I mean the grand finale is death (or so we think). I don’t know many people who are in a big fat hurry to get there. And yet we spend so much of our lives waiting for the next thing.

“When I finally finish school …”

“When I get my own place …”

“When I get married and have my own family …”

“When I lose those 20 lbs …”

Oh, the list goes on and on. There is always an endgame that, when achieved, will bring the penultimate thing – whatever it is – that we crave.

But …  as good old Dr. Faustus (Christopher Marlowe, Elizabethan tragedy) learned (after he made a deal with the devil), as soon as we get what we crave we want something new. Something different. We require another finish line to strive for. It’s human nature.

So now here we are. Having survived (and sadly not all of us) the first stage of this pandemic, we are champing at the bit (and no that’s not a typo, it’s the original and true word) to GET BACK TO NORMAL. Suddenly NORMAL has become the mission. The destination. Normal is what we all now desperately crave.

Not me. I never much liked normal anyway and I’m pretty sure if you added up all the descriptors attributed to me over the years “normal” would be absent from the list. But I also truly believe that when BIG SHIT happens it is meant to be a wakeup call. The Universe is kicking our asses. Shaking us out of our doldrums. Forcing us to decide if “normal” (whatever that was) is really worth aspiring to. We are supposed to be utilizing this big fat intermission to contemplate our existence, evaluate our goals and just maybe redefine our endgames.

I have another idea. Let’s just cancel our endgames. Let’s stop being a society of achievers who must at all costs achieve. Let’s forget about getting back to normal and let’s set out to just be present in this next phase.

Covid Act II.

It ain’t over and we are not back to normal. We’ve just endured the first act. Now we move forward. Not towards another finish line. Just forward, step by step, day by day,  through LIFE.  Life as we currently know it. Life in ACT II.

Yes, oh yes, I am looking forward to getting some long overdue hugs. Cooking for my friends. Sitting around a bonfire and jamming with my musical pals. Hopping on a plane and exploring new lands. Going to HomeSense for two hours (is that just me?).

However … I will not sacrifice common sense, scientific knowledge or rationality to achieve those goals.

Oh shit. I just said “achieve”.

Allow me to rephrase – I have no endgame. Nothing to achieve. Okay, that’s not entirely correct. I’m publishing a book. I’m starting a YouTube channel. I’m planting a garden and I’m cooking dinner tonight. I have lots to do. But my life henceforth will never again be what it was. “Normal” is off the table. My life is now focused on living in this exact moment. Loving this exact moment. Being grateful for this exact moment, even if it is Covid Act II. Whatever Act III delivers (and geez, I hope I’m here to bear witness) I’ll deal with then. My new normal is exactly what the Universe wants me to experience. And if this new normal puts brakes on my plans and desires, so be it. It is totally up to me to figure out how to deal.

We’re not going back, my friends. We are going forward. Not towards some old, worn-out target. Towards this evening. This night. Tomorrow morning.

How lucky are we?

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Will You Suffer From Returnaphobia?

Yes I just made up that word. Because at present there is no word to describe the fear some of us may experience when the time comes to re-enter “normal life”. When the time comes to sit on a plane, or go shopping to the mall, or host a birthday party or go to a concert.

Sure I know there are many people who even now, against all advice, are soaking up the sun in Florida, attending jam-packed funerals in New York or secretly socializing beyond their bubble. All those protesters (I much prefer the term “Yahoos”) who are so desperate for “normal” they are willing to sacrifice a few old people or health workers or even children … well you can bet they won’t be suffering from Returnaphobia.

But what about those of us playing by the rules? Staying isolated, staying safe, keeping others safe. Will this new normal gradually become THE normal, to the point that even when it’s no longer required (or mandated) we still feel immense trepidation at the prospect of gathering together with our herd?

Back in my 40s I was felled with a ruptured appendix. I mean that quite literally – felled. Thanks to an inept emerg doctor I got sent home BEFORE it ruptured (with symptoms raging) only to return the following day (in an ambulance, where it actually did rupture) screaming my bloody head off. I was in hospital for a week, hopped up on morphine, antibiotic IV drip, open wound needing a painful cleaning every day and the worst roommate you could imagine (she was a fan, and I’ll tell ya, recovering from a ruptured appendix with a not-very-sick fan in the next bed is no fun).

I really wanted to go home.

And yet I kinda didn’t. Because in the hospital I was safe (after I changed rooms). I was tended to. I was given nice drugs and peach yogurt and daily walks and visits with family. I wasn’t afraid (even though there was huge infection raging in my abdomen) because I was safe. In the hospital.

When I got home I wasn’t safe anymore. I also didn’t have morphine anymore but that’s another story. When I got home I had to be a grownup and tend to all my health complications (there were many) and look after my 4 year old son so my husband could actually get back to work and think about my own job and nobody brought me peach yogurt. There were times I desperately wanted to be back with my nurse-buddies, all safe and looked-after.

And that is why I now think about Returnaphobia.

Yes, I miss my family and my friends and yes, I long for hugs and live conversation with more than one person and yes, it’ll soon be beach weather and yes, I miss having options. But I wonder how exactly the “return” will go? At this very moment I should have just got back from a Bahamas getaway with a close friend. This was a wee junket we were both SO looking forward to. It has now been postponed until next February. But what if I still have Returnaphobia? What if my fear of airports and planes and proximity to strangers outweighs my desire to spend a few days in the sun with my girl?

I guess a vaccine would be nice. And apparently the fine folks at Oxford U may have one by the fall. Or not. I’m just wondering how our mindset may change going forward. Especially for those of us nearing the “vulnerable age”. Will our spirit of adventure be diminished now that “danger” may lurk at every turn? Will we willingly forego former pleasures and pursuits because Returnaphobia has got the better of us?

I hope not.

I read a social media post the other day purporting (with numbers) that most of the folks contracting Covid and most of the folks dying from Covid are old and in retirement homes so really, let’s try to be safe but geez, let’s get back to normal. Something like that.

Maybe it’s my age? I’m not typically a woman governed by fear. I just think we all need a little more time “in the hospital” before we venture back to “normal”. We need a little more science, a little more space, a little more safety and a lot more sense.

If not, I truly fear that I will become a victim of Returnaphobia.

Who knows … maybe I already am?

Posted in relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments