I recently saw a Tik Tok video about vulnerability. How difficult it is to achieve. How daunting it is to maintain. How, even when you practice it a little, or a lot, it is still really hard to live it every day. Hard, but not impossible. How yes, even you can become vulnerable! If you just keep trying. And then the host wrapped up this inspirational invocation with a sprightly, “You got this!” Like vulnerability is something you can train for. Practice. Adopt as a lifestyle, much like the keto diet or yoga.

I respectfully disagree.

And while I am disagreeing, I’d also like to state that I do not believe vulnerability is something you can inspire in someone else. Vulnerability is that rare precious state that bursts forth from a surprise seed, one which YOU have planted and one that has been germinating within. One that you are most likely not even aware of until it blooms like an exploding sunflower. Vulnerability is so personal it doesn’t pair well with sorority. Or society. It is a purely solo enterprise.

And not an enterprise that you choose. Vulnerability is not a choice.

Vulnerability comes to you … it blossoms …. as a result of a choice. Not THE choice to be vulnerable. A choice that you make. Might be binary, might be a multiple choice but it’s the kind of choice we all make every day.

Allow me to illustrate. Years ago, a good friend of mine was suffering from a profound heartbreak, having just been unceremoniously ditched by the love of his life. And so we, his friends, gathered around, offering a multitude of solutions on how he might “play” this. You see, he and his darling were still communicating. She had ended it, but they were still texting and emailing and, on some level, not completely letting go. My pals and I all had loads of advice on what he should say, not say, offer, hold back, how he should act, how often he should ignore her … on and on it went. We were gleefully mapping out all of his next moves, knowing we could help him win the day and the damsel and keep his pride intact blah, blah, blah …

And he just sat there quietly, taking us all in. And then finally, he raised his hands and said, “No.”

We were silenced by that single resolute word. He continued. “I am going to go home and write her an email. I am going to tell her the truth. Tell her how I feel. Tell her how I have always felt. Admit what I have done wrong and ask for another chance. I will play no games to try to win back her love. No matter what happens or how it all ends up, I must tell my truth. It is the only way I can go forward.”

And that, right here, is vulnerability in action. And such a simple, beautiful action – telling the truth – that it stunned the sorority into silence. And then … understanding. Our friend did not choose to be vulnerable. He made a choice, and that choice rendered him vulnerable.

It’s all about making the choice. The choice that life (or love) hands you daily. You make a choice to respond in truth, with no pretense, armour or falsehoods to guard you, and suddenly you are vulnerable. Because when you make the choice, you have absolutely no idea what the outcome will be. You have not read the last page first. You are not trying desperately to wrangle some imagined or desired conclusion by cleverly manipulating the situation. In telling the truth you are quite simply stripping yourself naked and hoping no one throws tomatoes at you. But if they do, you’ll take them. You’ll take them and maybe make some spaghetti sauce.  You are, of course, terrified that the tomatoes are rotten, but you are willing to take the risk. Because somewhere along the rocky road of life you have realized that risking everything for the truth is so much more fulfilling than manipulating anything for a lie. For a payoff. For a result. It is also far more fulfilling than choosing to risk nothing at all.

As I stated in a previous blog (https://winesoakedramblings.com/2018/08/02/the-absolute-art-of-vulnerability/), owning your truth is liberating. Making a choice that renders you vulnerable is liberating. But it literally does go choice by choice. Day by day. Moment by moment.

Vulnerability is not a lifestyle. It demands that you show up to every crossroad ready to live in truth. That’s a big ask and we don’t always succeed. All we can hope is that we are present and aware, that we have a choice and then respond accordingly.

In case you’re wondering, my friend did write the email and his truth did ultimately bring the girl back. And then years down the road, one of his friends was facing a similar situation. His advice to his friend was simple: the greatest strength is vulnerability.

“But how do I become vulnerable?” his friend asked.

“You don’t. You just make the choice to tell the truth. Damn the torpedoes and let the chips fall where they may.”

One day at a time. One choice at a time. Your strength will arrive. And its name will be … vulnerability.