The other day I was chatting with a very old friend. We have known each other for decades and traversed many of life’s mountains and valleys together. We have also completely ignored one another for years. But our bond is solid, and our connection is real.

We were talking about getting together for a visit and he exclaimed, “I would just really love to be somewhere where I don’t have to continually (pauses for thought) … adjust myself.”

My mind immediately went to dirty-land. Adjust yourself? Seriously?

But he carried on, unphased. “You know what I mean, right?”

I am quietly giggling while he explains. “Around most people, we are constantly adjusting ourselves. Making minor corrections or even major changes, just to keep the peace. Just to fit the situation and be the person that other person wants us to be.”

Holy shit. I am not giggling anymore. Because when I reflect on his words, I realize how right he is.

We are always adjusting ourselves. Always.

With our friends, family members, work colleagues, acquaintances, even lovers … how often do we really get to be truly and unequivocally authentic? Exactly who we are? Warts and all, deficiencies and foibles, stupidities and embarrassing antics, in the midst of everyday living (and surviving), how often do we get to be purely, genuinely, exactly who we are?

I guess it starts with knowing who you genuinely are. And then recognizing when and with whom the ‘adjusting’ creeps in.

Case in point: I am never myself with my family. I have never been myself with my family. Even when my parents were alive, I was never myself with my family because my family had expectations of me that had very little to do with the expectations I had for myself. My father, mother and sister were of a similar “ilk” and I was from Mars. For many years I tried to be “myself” in that environment but that typically resulted in conflict and woe. So, I learned to adjust myself in familial settings. I even married a man who would allow me to adjust myself daily, to suit my family and quite possibly, the rest of the world.

I also adjusted myself in new friend groups. I adjusted myself at work. I adjusted myself at home. Daily. My life was one big fat adjustment. And the crazy thing is, I’m not sure I even realized I was doing it. Adjusting oneself becomes so natural, so ingrained, so automatic … we just do it without thinking. It’s almost like the adjusted version of ourselves becomes as real to us as the authentic version.

I am aware that I still adjust myself daily with my beloved. I’m not sure how it goes in long-term, primordial relationships, but when you come to a love affair later in life, compromise is part of the daily menu. And compromise pretty much equals adjustment. Which reminds me that all adjustments are not negative.

But then – thank heavens – we find ourselves in the company of that special person who sees through all of our curated modifications and says, “No thanks.” That one special person who actually WANTS the bona fide you. That one special person who values and accepts the YOU they know YOU to be. For real. Not that character you customize for the rest of the world.

I have learned that to be unequivocally oneself at all times is impossible. Unattainable.  Our world does not work that way and we are therefore compelled to keep adjusting, daily. One must, just to avoid the turmoil that would result if one didn’t.

That is why having that one special person who allows and even encourages you to be un-adjusted is such a blessing. Being with that person is almost like a vacation. A holiday from the struggle of everyday regulation.

I am so happy I can be that someone for my friend. I am even happier my friend can be that someone for me. We all require moments of free-spirited integrity, if only to counteract that other stuff we do (consciously or not) every single day.

I kindly urge you to tap into your unadjusted person as often as possible and then seek out your people – the people who not only allow that person to show up but welcome her enthusiastically. Find your person, be that person.

Even if the opportunity is transitory, I can assure you it will be empowering. Harmonizing. We all need a perfect fit. Even if it’s only for a moment.

Life is extra beautiful when there is no adjustment necessary.