When we are kids, we are told that playing the game is enough; there is no need to win. Those of us who believe that are typically the ones who aren’t much good at whatever the game is. Those who are proficient (or even expert) already know that winning is THE thing. Inadvertently or not, society programs us from a very early age to strive for THE WIN. In games, in sports, in school, in relationships, in careers – everybody wants to be a winner.

Holy shit, what an immense amount of pressure that is! Whether young or old, constantly striving to triumph is exhausting. And that constant strife can also completely neutralize the sheer joy that CAN come from just playing. For the sake of play.

I know that I can be somewhat competitive. Sometimes. I once attended a media ski day where I was invited to participate in a slalom race. I wasn’t a superlative skier, but I did want to WIN so I pulled out all the stops and went for it. I did win. The award for “Best Face Plant”.  As a matter of fact, I pretty much face-planted my way down the entire run. Any ability I may have possessed vanished once that cutthroat winning gene kicked in. Had I just approached the competition with a sense of fun, I might have actually got the gold because, quite frankly, the other women were less talented than I. But I wanted to “kill it.”

Did I learn a lesson? I think maybe I did.

I have now learned to engage in any number of competitive activities without ever competing. I play simply to play. Because I enjoy the game. Whether I win or lose is quite irrelevant. I like the playing.

Take Scrabble – one of my most beloved pastimes. I play against my computer daily.  I play online against several friends. On occasion I even play for real, on an old-fashioned board against an actual human. I enjoy all these pursuits. Do I want to win? Sure? Do I play my best? Yup. Am I devastated when I lose? Nope. Never. Because it is the playing I truly enjoy. The playing is the cake. The winning is icing.

Not my beloved and my son. Oh man, those two can make a meal out of a game of Yahtzee. Each turn is analyzed and fraught over, each decision scrutinized and bemoaned. When they compete, it is full-on war. And they love it! Then there’s golf. Has there ever been a sport more frustrating? Thrown clubs, harsh words, kicked balls and depression. Over a game involving sticks and small holes. Seriously?

What about video games? I have a friend who once reacted so violently to a bad move, he threw his controller at the wall. Unfortunately, his expensive Martin guitar stood innocently between him and that wall and I’m sure you can guess the rest.

And sports fans? Of course, we know the word fan comes from fan-atic but what about those faithful spectators – live at the game or home in front of the television – who absolutely lose their shit over a game of baseball or hockey. Where does that kind of zealotry even come from? How do we get so consumed by people we don’t know playing a sport/game we are not actually playing ourselves … how do we get so invested we lose sleep and brain cells just from watching?

I don’t get it.

Sure, I guess some folks are just naturally inclined to fight to the death. I know a man who once kept his wife up until the middle of the night because she kept winning at Cribbage and he could not rest – literally – until he had beaten her at a game.

I am not kidding.

If I watch a movie I don’t ultimately care for, I get over it before the popcorn is put away. If I read a book that doesn’t grab my attention by the third chapter, I return it to the library. And if I lose a game of solitaire on my laptop, I just play another.

Which brings me to my mother. She loved to play FreeCell (a solitaire-type game) on her computer and played many games, daily, until the last few months of her life. These games kept her mind sharp well into her 90s. Yet even at that age, she was highly competitive … against herself! She kept track of the individual game numbers that she could not conquer, so that she could return time and time again to find resolution. And if she still did not, she would take a few days off before returning to that same game once again. My old ma was hell-bent on winning that contest!

I took a page from her book and began playing several versions of solitaire daily. Usually at lunch, one turn at each game. If I win – great. If I lose – great. My day is in no way impacted by these results. I play simply to keep my mind sharp. And for the sheer relaxing pleasure of the diversion.

So … my question to you is – do you play to play or play to win? Do you watch to enjoy or do you watch to witness the outcome? Do you enjoy the quest or is your satisfaction inextricably bound to the result? Can you accept a loss as graciously as you celebrate a win?

Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing abhorrent in striving for success. Practicing, working hard and thirsting for victory is a story as old as time. I too enjoy watching gold-medal hockey games, love a spirited round of Trivial Pursuit and have been known to use my own name as a curse-word on the golf course. I guess I’m just wondering how much “nicer” (i.e. calmer and less stressful) our lives would be if we sought to enjoy the recreation even more than the result. If the delightfully diverting journey was the goal, and the conclusion a mere afterthought. If we always played to play. If the cake was … enough.

We all need playful diversions to help us navigate this life. Amusements that entertain and beguile. Or relax and restore.

What I do not think we need is play that is no longer pleasure. How counterproductive is that?

I’m quite sure the Yahtzee games in this house will continue to be rollicking affairs filled with drama and delight! And I am also quite sure I will continue to play along for the simple pleasure of spending time with two men I adore.

I will play to play. And that will be enough.