I have a good friend, a dear gentleman of senior years, who prides himself on being independent. Even when age and ailments could be slowing him down (and perhaps do) he continues to get stuff done on his own. Even when offered, he refuses help. Even if an extra set of hands could make the task so much easier, he refuses assistance. Even if getting it done solo might exacerbate existing maladies, he does it solo anyway.

It’s a pride thing. He used to do it alone, he has always done it alone and now dagnabbit he is going to continue to do it alone even if it hurts!

I have another friend who recently went through some troubling emotional times. When I asked why it took so long for her to reach out, she confessed she didn’t want to burden anyone. Especially her best friend who is a fairly recent widow. That poor woman is living enough grief. Why would anyone want to add more?

Which brings me to two of my wonderful neighbours, both widowed in the last month. We are not besties or even long-term buddies. Just convivial street-mates who socialize on occasion and help each other out when requested.

Except for yesterday. I had a technology crisis and wanted to test a different internet provider, one which N utilizes. I tested, it worked, crisis averted. And then N and I started talking. And, after a month of her needing me, needing a dog-sitter, needing a shoulder, needing baked goods and hugs and a safe place to cry or chat or have a drink or just be, we both realized that – at that moment – I needed HER. I needed a friend to confide in. I needed an ear and an ally. I needed fellowship and she provided it most willingly. Even in HER hour of great need, MY need was graciously and lovingly welcomed to her table. Because the thing is … we all need to be needed.

I believe our need to be needed is inherent. In our DNA. Inescapable. When we are needed we feel valued. Prized. Even treasured. We feel important, as if our contributions really matter. Our self-esteem blooms, our self-respect flourishes and our hearts fill with altruistic gratification. Yes! We feel grateful to be needed!

Much in the same way that when someone needs us, THEY feel grateful when we show up. This symbiotic gratitude is a beautiful thing. And quite easily achieved.

My fiercely independent gentleman friend is truly one of the most helpful people I know. Literally, the guy who will do anything for anybody. So why then is he so vehemently opposed to returning the favour? Because the truth is, even though it seems like you are ASKING for a favour, you are in fact offering someone a chance to feel appreciated. To be a valued member of your community. To be trusted and useful.

And don’t we all want to be useful?

I learned yesterday that even a person in the throes of grief needs to be needed. Because we all do.

My friend T’s mother is now experiencing the relentless forward march of dementia. He has become a caregiver and a (not always welcomed) decision-maker. Except for last week when he asked HER for some advice. Like back in the old days, when she was the momma and he was her baby.

According to T, her countenance shifted dramatically. It was almost like her disorder vanished and his old mother reappeared. At which time she offered unexpectedly wise counsel.  Even if it was just for a brief moment, she was back!

The need to be needed is that strong.

Our need to be needed can also backfire, leading to codependent or unhealthy relationships. I myself have fallen down this rabbit hole several times, allowing my need to be needed to overwhelm common sense boundaries and even self-preservation.

But I have learned. I have learned to ask for help freely and optimistically when I require it. Or even when it would just make my life that much smoother. And I have learned to offer help freely and optimistically. With the hope that I can do the same for someone else.

It’s win-win.

Yes, it demands vulnerability. Risk. The admission that you NEED and the fear that you might not GET.

But I think it’s worth it.

Without meaning to sound insensitive, I believe my friend’s bestie (the widow) would have relished the opportunity to explore someone else’s pain. To help someone who had so profoundly helped HER all these months. To give back. To not just need but be needed.

They say it takes a village. Most of us want a village. Need a village. So don’t be afraid to offer service and don’t be afraid to accept it. It’s all part of the dance of life. It takes two to tango. You move backward and then you move forward. You need and then you are needed. Both are so very valuable. Harmony is created.

Cha cha cha.