I recently came upon an Instagram video featuring Canadian physician and author Gabor Mate (whose work I love). I was instantly intrigued by his premise that there are basically only 3 responses to a “challenging” relationship. Two of them are rational. One is irrational. Naturally I don’t remember exactly what he said but I think I recall enough to share with you. And … possibly help you understand how absolutely irrational YOU might be. I offer this with utmost sincerity because I can assure you his words slammed me upside the head and made ME realize that I myself was – perhaps – just plain crazy.

So here we go.

You are in a challenging relationship. Maybe your mate isn’t living up to your expectations? Maybe you and a friend have had a disagreement? Maybe you don’t understand why a family member is ignoring you or dismissing you? Maybe a colleague is driving you nuts? Whatever the situation, you are feeling challenged. Impugned. And you need something to change.

Rational Response #1

Set Boundaries. Explain to the perpetrator that you will no longer participate in whatever drama is causing you grief. Excuse yourself from behaviour or ideas that offend you. Make your needs and values clear and then set up goal posts that allow you to defend them without hostility. Be clear, kind and firm. Alter the parameters of your relationship so that YOU no longer feel slighted, alienated or maligned. In other words, protect yourself.

Rational Response #2

Leave. End the relationship. If the struggle is too much, too often, too difficult and too harmful … depart. End the relationship. Not every bond will last. Nor should they. Affiliations ebb and flow as we evolve and grow and not every alliance will stand the test of time. It’s okay to say farewell. And mean it. Fare well. Just not in my orbit, thank you.

And now … the Irrational Response (aka the most popular)

Please change. Please be more like I want you to be. Please alter your behaviour. Adjust your psyche. Revise your beliefs. Modify your actions and correct all the problems which I have noticed and now brought to your attention. In other words … I am right and you are wrong and therefore you must change.

Irrational.

Because as we all know, no one is ever going to change for YOU. People only change for themselves; when the prospect (and results) of their repeated behaviour causes repeated anguish to THEM … THAT is when people change. It is absolutely irrational for you to offer this directive as a solution and actually expect it to work. It might inspire a few alterations but those BIG changes … nope.

Irrational.

So think about this the next time you are facing a relationship challenge. As the old saying goes, there are many things in life you can’t control, but you can always control your response. YOU are in charge of your response. Your response is your choice.

I am now making a concerted, everyday effort to choose Rational. When you break it down to those 2 options, the simplicity of the exercise becomes apparent. No more spinning in the vortex of uncertainty. No more wishing (or begging) for miracles. No more trying to play God. It just makes so much sense to regulate yourself and not anyone else.

One might call it … judicious. Logical. Sensible. Wise.

Maybe even … rational.