I will admit to being a pretty impatient Instagram scroller, so when I come to something vaguely interesting I might stop, watch for a few seconds and then just keep going. Such was the case with a Mel Robbins (love her) clip, wherein she discussed romantic love. “Does it truly require a spark?” she queried. In order for romantic love to ignite and then survive, is that initial flicker a prerequisite?

I’m not entirely sure but I think she said, “No.”

What I am entirely sure of is this – the 2 words she offered as necessities for long-lasting union:

Admiration and Consideration.

We need to admire our partners (daily) and they need to show consideration of us (also daily). Of course, this also means we hope they admire us and we show consideration TO them. But since we are only in charge of our own actions, let’s focus on the former.

Do you admire your partner? And why is admiration so damned important?

(Confession: I didn’t get any further in the Mel Robbins podcast, so the following thoughts are my own.)

Admiration: a feeling of wonder, pleasure or approval.

Of course we want to feel such things about our chosen one! And typically, that initial spark is inflamed by those very feelings. My admiration for my beloved began with the knowledge that he has a PhD. It continued when I learned he was an accomplished and enthusiastic mountaineer and scuba diver. It further blossomed when I saw some of his original art. And now, when he rarely participates in any of the above, my admiration continues when I witness his wood-turning and dog-loving.

We can admire a person for any number of reasons, whether career accomplishment, natural talent or the ability and willingness to love freely and fully. And yes, it is absolutely vital that our admiration not only endures but thrives. Even if what we admire changes, our admiration of our life-mate must not wane. Because when it does, we are left looking at a stranger. A hollow shell. An unextraordinary human who is incapable of capturing our heart. A romantic relationship must be special.

As for consideration, I did listen to a podcast with a world-famous divorce lawyer (James Sexton, love him too). He asserts that lack of consideration is the FIRST sign that your relationship is crumbling. When those small acts of attentiveness and kindness evaporate, there goes the union! This can go to something as profound as frequency of sex to something as seemingly inconsequential as unloading the dishwasher. What is important is that consideration is maintained to the highest standard. Because we may get ill-treated at work or even by friends and family but we should believe that at home, with our lover, we are safe and … considered.

As for that spark, I DO believe it is a necessary inauguration. But we all know flames dwindle without oxygen. And the oxygen of a relationship may quite possibly be – admiration and consideration.

So … what about friendship? What are the 2 simple words that define friendship?

For this, I go to my good friend Michelle, who revealed them to me during a wine-soaked phone call.

Respect. Communication.

These are the 2 essential ingredients, mandatory to every successful friendship.

We must respect not only our friends but the actual friendship itself. A friendship is a sacred union between two individuals, a covenant designed to deliver trust, safety and harmony. We are not talking a mere acquaintanceship here. We are talking affinity in the truest sense of the word. Intimacy on an emotional level that is rare and divine. When that bond is established, respecting it becomes paramount. Because it is beautiful.

Respect does not mean never yelling or always being agreeable or never having a difference of opinion or keeping negative thoughts to yourself. Respect means honouring the underlying bones of the friendship no matter which way the wind blows.

Which leads to …

Communication.

Because the best (and easiest) way to honour any friendship is to connect regularly, honestly and thoughtfully. When we lose communication or it dissipates for unknown reasons, we start creating narratives in our own minds completely unfettered from reality. A one-sided conversation (the one in your head) will never teach you anything nor will it ever solve a two-person dilemma. Authentic communication between two people just might. Which is why contact and conversation are vital.

The problem is, sometimes we confuse respect and communication. Case in point: I had a very dear, long-time friend who, when going through a severely troublesome time in her life, “abused” our friendship. I put “abused” in quotation marks only because that is my hindsight revelation. At the time, and during the five years of this exploitation, she felt she could call me ten times a day, any or every day, with no regard for me or my life. HER life and HER problems were paramount until ultimately, she drained me of my empathy reservoir.

The thing is, I let it happen.

Eventually she moved away and quite suddenly, the constant barrage of “communication” stopped. Like, cold-turkey stopped. I was a little relieved and then … concerned. What the heck happened? Had she been abducted into a cult? She was a dear friend, after all, and I was completely at a loss. I reached out several times via email and text with little more than “I’m busy” coming back at me. Finally, one evening after a 2^nd glass of wine, I called her. I demanded an explanation. I cried and maybe wailed a bit. You have to remember, she had depleted me completely and now … discarded me?

She accused me of disrespect.

Because I was yelling at her.

And this is what I mean when I purport that people confuse communication and disrespect.

When you respect a friendship, you CONSIDER the other person, their life apart from you, their life with you, the bond you have created, the history you have shared and the forgiveness you will both, at times, offer.

And you communicate. Not roller-coaster drama and not selfish-silence and not kindergarten-pouting. You communicate lovingly like the adults you are. This is possibly best served pre-wine consumption.

Funny. I just used consideration – the love word – for friendship. Admiration works for friendship too. It’s always good to regard one’s friends in high esteem, for whatever reason.

Much like it is good to be respectful and communicative in a love relationship. Good and wise.

And so, there you go … just 4 simple words to run your life. Two different gurus – Mel and Michelle – charting our path forward with an uncomplicated map.

Will the journey be effortless? Nope. Might these guidelines be helpful?

Sometimes simple is smart. So yes. I think so.