EDIT!
Because love is not always the answer.

Upon reading this today I realized I might have been a bit more specific with exactly who you do not have to love. At least in my opinion.

1. You do not have to love people whose political views offend you. Not just differ from yours … actually appall you.
2. You do not have to love people whose political views have become moral judgements and you cannot abide them.
3. You do not have to love people who ghost you with no explanation.
4. You do not have to love people who believe they are superior … to anyone or everyone.
5. You do not have to love people who throw you down staircases and break your ribs.
6. You do not have to love people who take advantage of you financially.
7. You do not have to love people who purport to love you and then … destroy you psychologically and emotionally.
8. You do not have to love people just because you are related.
9. You do not have to love people just because you once did.
10. You do not have to love people who are incapable of loving you back.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming …

I have never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day (manufactured holiday designed to make us spend money and feel miserable) but I have always been a big fan of love. When I peruse old blog titles, I see things like love of your life, elements of love, love letters, unconditional love, staying in love, defining love, confusing love with ownership, leaving with love … the list goes on and on.

But there are two titles that really resonate with me still, after all these years.

“Love is a Verb.”

Very much so. Without affirmative action it cannot exist. You must “do” love for it to be. “Saying” love or even “feeling” love will never be enough. Pretty simple, right?

“When Love Isn’t Really Love.”

Much more complicated. Because we throw “I love yous” around with such abandon, I doubt many of us ever stop to decipher if we really mean it. If we truly love the actual person in front of us. The truth is, we often fall in love with the “potential” we crave as opposed to loving the “reality” presented.

Think about it. Especially in romantic situations, we meet someone, we are attracted to certain lovely attributes but some blazing red flags may also be waving. We choose to ignore them. Because we have already “fallen in love.” We have already made the decision to love, even without having all the pertinent information. And so we decide to ignore the flags, believing that whatever brilliance is dazzling us will also transform those flaws into virtues.

Not bloody likely.

This conundrum isn’t exclusive to love affairs. It happens with friendships too. Which is why so many relationships crash to a halt when the veneer wears off. When someone does not live up to the potential WE have installed in them, we suffer monstrous disappointment. Doesn’t really seem fair, right? As the old saying goes, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. If they SHOW you who they are and you don’t like what you see, run for the hills! But if they tell you and show you and you still think you can change them with enough love, allow me to assure you that you cannot. You will not. People only change when they want to.

Which brings me back to the title of this rambling.

Because I now believe that, not only are you not required to love everyone who once crossed your path or is still on your path, you shouldn’t. Even if you thought you loved them once and maybe altruistically wanted to love them for all time, you do not have to. There is no binding contract. You are not obligated by law. Or even humanity. If the realization strikes that they are not worthy of your love, abandon ship. You are allowed.

You can simply say, “Nope. No more.”

Or, as Mel Robbins says in her new book, “Let Them.”  

Let them go. Let them be exactly who they are. Let them disappoint you. Let them ignore you. Let them prove their points and more importantly let them prove to you who they are and who they choose to be. Don’t fight reality. Don’t fight those red flags. Let them.

And then let them go. And stop loving them.

It is not your job to love the whole damn world. I honestly used to think it was. MY job. To love everyone, no matter what. I thought love was the answer. Love was the question. Love was a choice I lovingly made. Love was my mandate. Love was my mantra.

Not anymore. The world is going pretty crazy these days, depleting my tolerance levels, my patience and my love stockpile. Yes, that endless supply of goodwill and generosity I once possessed is dwindling. Don’t misunderstand, it is still available. But it must be earned. And I may just be a little more prudent with its dispersal.

The second part of Mel’s “Let Them” theory is … “Let Me.”

Let them do what they want, be who they are, treat me as they wish and act as they choose.

And then “let me” decide what I will do with all that information.

I don’t have to love everybody and the truth is I don’t want to. I don’t want to love potential and I don’t want to ignore flags and I don’t want to be left holding the empty love bag time and time again. I want to “do” love with all my heart but only with those who are willing (and able) to do love back.

So … I will not wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day (tomorrow) because, like I said … dumb holiday. I will wish you the courage to decide what love (both old and new) is authentic enough to reliably fill your heart with joy, wonder and faith. And the courage to let go of any “love” that feels fraudulent, contrived or exhausting.

You don’t have to love everybody. Even on Valentine’s Day.

And even if you want to.