Years ago, I wrote a blog about the “friendship totem pole”. How we all have friends stacked on our poles but how the arrangement ON that pole alters constantly. One day someone is on top, another day their relevance to your life has diminished (and down they drop), someone new comes along and achieves instant lofty status and … on and on it goes. Most of us don’t arrange our friendship totem poles consciously. But the never-ending movement is a clear indication of the fluidity of friendship. Positions change, importance wanes, priorities shift and sometimes, friendships just end. Period.

I have a lot of friends (some call me a “collector”) and I often ruminate on these wavering dynamics. What causes a seemingly powerful connection to evaporate? How does a once trivial acquaintance suddenly blossom into a bestie?

And then I read a thing on Instagram and that thing was pretty simple – how do your friends make you FEEL?

In your gut.

When you spend time with a pal, whether it be in person, on the phone or even virtually, do you feel energized or do you feel depleted?

If we’re talking friendship (and we are), it truly is one or the other. You will rarely feel nothing. You will almost always feel either energized or depleted. That’s not to say you will always feel the same thing with the same person. We all traverse hills and valleys in our relationships and sometimes, when a friend is particularly needy, you might feel a tad depleted by them. But in a true, deep friendship, the tables will turn and BAM – you’re back to being energized again. It’s all yin and yang, give and take, help and be helped.

Except for when it’s not. If you find yourself consistently feeling depleted by someone’s attentions, perhaps it is time to rethink the alliance. Even I, the collector, must face this truth. As much as I may WANT to welcome association, as much as I may desire intimacy and accord and as much as someone else may clamour to attach to my orbit for whatever reason, it doesn’t always work out. Because once you start feeling depleted, time and time again, that alliance is going to drop to the bottom of your totem pole faster than the New Year’s ball at midnight.

And that’s okay. Because if you are a friendly spirit with a loving heart, the totem dance will keep spinning until a new order is achieved. And those perched on top will joyfully receive the blessings of your attention, commensurate always with the attentions they lavish on you. You will energize those who energize you. And those who deplete you … well …

I think we can divide friendship into three categories:

1. True Blue. The ones you trust through thick and thin. The ones you know are in it for the long haul. Who are willing to do the work to navigate troubled waters. The ones who don’t give up when the going gets tough. The ones who have proven through word and deed that their devotion is solid.

This is important. Word AND deed. Because so many of us toss out “love yous” like yesterday’s garbage but come crunch time (I need your help!) slither away shamelessly, unable or unwilling to crawl into the muck when it does not suit. I once, in such a time, called a friend for fellowship and counsel. Our relationship had tilted strongly in the opposite direction (me helping her) and I could sense almost immediately that she was uncomfortable. Twitchy. Nervous. Finally she said, “I have to go put my blueberries away.” To this day I remember the exact phrase because it was so … absurd.

That was the day I realized depletion was outweighing energy. This was not a person who might become True Blue (even with her berries). She would be relegated to …

2. The Acquaintances. You know these people and you like them well enough. They exist on the periphery of your world, neither depleting nor energizing you. You give to them what you can, understanding that you cannot be all things to all people and those perched higher on your totem pole must receive your best efforts.

This can be a tough one. Especially if someone places you higher than you have placed them.  It means setting boundaries and honoring them (to honour yourself). It means saying no when someone desperately wants you to say yes. It means practicing civility and authenticity at the same time. It means telling the truth. Even when it might hurt someone you genuinely care about. Unless, of course, they have become one of …

3. The Users. The people who want something from you. Perhaps a character trait they themselves lack? Maybe a lifestyle change they desire? Or possibly just the benefit of your emotional generosity. Whatever it is they want, they will take. And take. Without much thought to what they are offering in return. Because they aren’t.

These are the real depleters. The ones who belong at the bottom of your totem pole. They may energize you for an instant, just enough to keep you engaged in the relationship. But they will always return to using. Until they have used you up.

So … the next time you are wondering about friendships and how to best integrate them into your life, take the test.

Who depletes you?

Who energizes you?

I guarantee your friendship totem pole will organize itself pretty damn fast.