(or … How Would You Feel if They Found a Spot on Your Lung?)

I haven’t been blogging for some time, mostly because I’ve been sick. Went on a plane, went on a cruise, picked up some nasty bug and 5 weeks later I am still not 100% healthy. I know … sucks. Poor me. Heavy chest, lots of coughing and plugged sinuses that make me sound like a chipmunk. I do think I am getting better. It’s just that in my entire life I have never been sick with anything for 5 weeks. (By the way, I tested negative for Covid – which I have never had – but who knows with all these new strains?)

Last Monday, I decided enough was enough and went to the small local hospital for a chest x-ray. The emerg doc didn’t see anything (I had done a course of giant antibiotics to eradicate pneumonia) but … the radiologist at the big-city hospital did. He saw a small spot on my lung.

Yikes. Not the news anyone wants to hear on Monday morning. Or any morning for that matter.

I spent the day processing this information, sharing it with a few of my closest allies. I resisted the urge to Dr. Google but a few of those allies did not. They happily reported that 90% of lung spots are nothing and 50% of adults who get a chest x-ray will be told they have a spot on a lung. Oh goody!

I finally had a wee cry and went to bed.

And then came Tuesday (you were wondering when I’d get to the “best day” thing, right?). As I waited to hear about a CT Scan appointment (next step) I started examining my life. Not each mistake, error in judgement or blunder. The past is past and I make peace with it every day. More to my belief in gratitude, my belief that worry accomplishes nothing, my belief that on any given day at any given moment each one of us could die and my belief that, since there are no guarantees, we should live every day as if it is our last.

So … now what, thought I? Should I take that trip to Bora Bora? Buy a new house and move? Have a passionate affair with a young buck? Finally get a sports car?

I poured a glass of wine and stared out my window, observing my tiny patch of Lake Huron, surprisingly quiet. Peaceful even. And I realized that I wouldn’t change anything. There were no more wrongs I needed to make right. No lost friendships I felt inclined to reignite. No other career success to yearn for. No forgiveness that wanted begging and no explanations that needed offering. I already have a young buck, I love my house, Bora Bora will happen someday and that sports car – quite certain I can live without it.

And that is why Tuesday ended up being one of the best days of my life. You see, most of us dwell in a weird place of false complacency, day after day, being shocked by the news and saddened by the misery that befalls those around us but complacent still, living the mundane, complaining about silliness, longing for what we don’t have and forgetting gratitude.

Not I. Ask anyone who has ever done yoga with me. I live gratitude every single day.

Last Tuesday I was so very grateful to realize that my life – to this point – was highly satisfactory. Grateful even more to realize that I live in a land with free healthcare and that, whatever the darned spot is, it will be dealt with competently and life will go on. For as long as it does.

For as long as it does. Which is all any one of us can hope for.

I’d say it’s a pretty damn good day when you can look back and feel good, be in the present and be grateful and look forward with optimism to whatever comes next. For ALL of us, whatever comes next is a mystery. I happen to know that I have a CT scan booked for August 1 and after that, what will be will be.

But today … well, today may be the next best day of my life. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I am alive! Anything could happen …

And it will.