And so the saga of “the spot” on my lung continues. And I do think it’s weird that no one in the medical profession, not the radiologist or the emerg doc or my family doc or the respirologist at the hospital, refers to it as a tumour. But that’s what it is – whether benign or malignant. I think it’s kind of like when people say, “She passed” or “He passed away” instead of saying, “He died.” It’s almost like we think the word death will jinx us or something. Or make the event sound more dire than it was (huh?). Or maybe we’re just tapping into our spiritual side, suggesting the soul has passed to another realm. Whatever the case, nobody likes the word death any more than anybody like the word tumour.

However …. The CT scan showed Spot (might as well give it a name and is it okay if I make it a him?) is slightly spiculated (jagged edges) which is not a good thing. I read that 90% of spiculated spots are malignant. Hey – I’m special, right? I could very well be in that benign 10% group! But … I am told more assessment is required, so off I go to the Digital Assessment Program (DAP) at the local (bigger) hospital where a respirologist (lovely man) assesses Spot, his size, his location, his characteristics and my risk factors (yes, I was a smoker back in my misspent youth but quit when I was 31 – a long time ago). Still … my score comes up as something like 34%. 34% chance of malignancy.

This seems like decent news (better than 50% chance of it being benign) but …. apparently it is not good enough to adopt a wait and see approach. So now we move on to a PET Scan at a distant hospital (sure, irradiate me … why not?) which may or may not actually work given the diminutive size of Spot. If I light up – bingo! We know it’s malignant. And I go directly (not that minute but soon thereafter) to lung surgery. If I do not light up, it doesn’t count. It may just be too small to glow. In which case I move on to the biopsy phase to deduce if I need to progress to the lung surgery phase.

Good times, right?

So now, everyone (bless my fabulous friends and family) wants to know how I am feeling. How am I doing? Am I freaking out?

Actually, no. I’m fine. Really good, in fact. You see, I was so sick (kick-ass cold) for so long (two months) before this diagnosis, I am just happy to be feeling healthy again. As I enjoyed the early morning one-hour drive to hospital yesterday, I was fully present and actually ENJOYING! The scenery, my cheese-toast, the solitude. The drive home was a little more tumultuous as I processed all the new information, but at the same time I was still okay. Pretty much at peace with the next steps. Because the irony is, without the plague (as I refer to my cold) I would never have had a lung x-ray which means Spot would not have been discovered and Spot may well have developed into ReallyBigSpot by the time anyone knew he was there. I will take this Universal Mischief as a blessing.

And that is why yesterday, while not my best day, wasn’t the worst day of my life either. I mean honestly, do you know anyone who doesn’t endure challenges? Health, heartache, financial, spiritual – we all go through STUFF all the time. And then … we all die.

So … as my journey with Spot continues I will remember to relish every moment of the good heath I am now enjoying. I will delight in sunshine and sunsets and good wine and good friends and afternoon naps and my job and music and great food and morning walks and all the things that make my PRESENT life so fulfilling. Yes, I will be present. I will smile, laugh and be grateful as much as possible. And I will approach these next steps with Spot much like I might approach a large hill that is daunting but eminently summitable.

I am ready to climb. And while I am climbing I will continue to keep making plans like I’m going to live forever! Which of course I am not. But one thing I know – I will make every attempt to truly live for as long as I do.