When Was the Last Time You Really Made Someone’s Day?

Posted on October 8, 2024 by winesoakedramblings - The Blog of Vickie van Dyke

(And the pact I just made with myself.)

Just the other day, as I was cooking dinner and sipping wine, a song came up on shuffle. A somewhat obscure song that had been introduced to me by an old friend. He and I had not spoken in ages but I decided then and there to shoot him a quick message, reminding him of the song and his role in my musical evolution.  

He was delighted to hear from me and said so, claiming I had “made his day”.

And so I got to thinking … why don’t we make other people’s days more often? Why don’t we slip out of our comfort zones more readily and reach out when someone not in our daily purview crosses our mind? If there is a positive connection to be made and it takes only a few moments and a willingness to make it, why don’t we?

I decided then and there to make a pact with myself. Henceforth, if someone crosses my mind, or a song comes up remembering when, or ANYTHING transpires that inspires commendation, I WILL reach out. I will be fearless. And I will try to make someone’s day.

I connect with musicians regularly to share how much meaning their music brings to my life. I do this with musicians I know and also those I don’t (social media helps). I do this because I know exactly how it feels when someone does it to me. A few years ago, I received via Facebook a photo of an old 45 I had sold in clubs a million years ago. An original called The Wedding Song. The woman who sent the photo still treasured the song and was thrilled to have located me after all these decades. She was even more thrilled when I sent her a digitized version of that very song. After all, every good deed deserves another.

This past summer I had the chance work with a wonderfully talented musician named Marco Luciani. Little did I know he had also co-written my absolute favourite Alfie Zappacosta original – a song called “Oz”. When I learned this fact a couple of days ago, I immediately texted him (Marco, not Alfie) … just because I wanted him to know how much that song means to me.

It took me less than a minute. I think he was quite pleased to hear from me. I mean seriously, who isn’t pleased when they are made to feel special? Validated? Seen?

Well, as it turns out, not everyone. In my newfound zeal to “make someone’s day” I contacted an old love to ask about his birthday. I wanted to send him happy wishes and I could not remember the exact date. I also asked him if he was a “lyric guy” because a) I wanted to send him a song and b) I could not remember (or perhaps I never knew).

His eloquent response: “So many questions.”

Oh.

Okay.

This is probably why so many of us do NOT reach out. Fear of rejection. Fear of being ignored. Fear of overstepping. Fear.

And so we decide it is better to do and say nothing and continue residing in our safe little bubble. Better that than receiving a cold response (or none at all).

Fuck that.

I can personally attest to the fact that 99% of all people will be thrilled to hear from you and yes, you will in fact make their day. That one person who is a dick? Well, they were a dick before you attempted to connect and they will be a dick long after … it just doesn’t have to be your concern. YOUR concern can very simply be that you TRIED to do the right thing. Something nice. Something kind. Something meaningful.

We cannot choose how people will respond to any gesture we make. But I do believe we should continue to choose to make them. Because the world is a pretty crazy place these days and whatever positivity we can inject and whatever smiles we can trigger … yay us!

I have another old love (and this one goes way back to my teens) and every now and then, out of the blue, he sends me a little message to inform me that I am still sexy and still one of the great loves of his life. We live a country apart, are both firmly ensconced in other relationships and haven’t seen each other in many, many years. But it matters not. He still takes the time to share his truth and make my day. And boy oh boy, do I ever smile when that message shows up.

So why don’t we all just play the odds? Perhaps for every possible bungle (and that is on THEM, not you) you will experience a million wins. But you can’t win if you don’t buy a ticket.

So next time you’re thinking about someone fondly, reach out and tell them. Let that person know how they have impacted your life. Share a memory, a photo or a song. Start doing this daily or weekly or monthly.

Just start doing it. I guarantee you will create a lot of smiles and maybe even a few happy tears. So please, just go ahead …

Make someone’s day.

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When The Universe Reminds Us to Not Take Life Too Seriously …

Posted on October 1, 2024 by winesoakedramblings - The Blog of Vickie van Dyke

(AKA Why Farting is Funny)

Last night, in the twilight gloaming, I found myself standing in my kitchen, gazing forlornly out the window, toward the lake and the setting sun. A profound melancholy filled my soul. A deep, aching sadness, the kind you cannot define or identify its source. With a somber song in the background, providing a soulful soundtrack to this mournful moment, I leaned against my kitchen bar and heaved a heavy sigh. The crushing weight of the world, its tragedies and traumas, both personal and global, seemed unendurable.

And then I farted.

One of those “where the heck did that come from?” rapid-fire, machine-gun farts that goes on longer than one would think possible and louder than a mezzo soprano’s final aria.

Thank goodness I was alone. Although I will admit the ensuing laughter might have been fun to share with someone else. Because laugh I did. Head-shaking, gut-guffawing laughter which immediately expunged all that world-weary Weltschmerz and replaced it with a surprising blanket of glee.

Because life is funny. I mean, it sure as heck can be.

It can also be brutal and suffocating and challenging and wretched. But life is funny. IF you remember to laugh.

Yes, tragedies will befall us and trials may seem insurmountable. Grief might paralyze us (for a time) and The Universe might throw a hurricane into our backyard and destroy the life we lovingly built. Quite literally, ANYTHING could happen. And probably will.

And then guess what? We all gonna die. (You must say this in a southern drawl, like some postulating evangelical screwball!)

Yes. We are all going to die. Who knows when or how but it will happen. So let us please remember to laugh while we are alive.

I have a dear friend whose husband just passed. It was unexpected, compounded by a lengthy wait while those in the know determined how long her beloved should remain plugged in and just exactly when that plug should be pulled.

Pull it they did (after ten days of distressing disquietude), while she and her offspring stood in attendance. The beeps stopped beeping; the room was silent. But he did not die. Apparently this is quite normal. Sometimes it takes time. Lots of time. And so her daughters went off for coffee, leaving her alone with her husband.

Feeling an immense surge of love and longing, my friend crawled up on the bed with her spouse for a final snuggle. It was awkward, especially since all of the lines and tubes and beepers were still attached, and soon she found herself hopelessly entangled in all of the above. As she tried (unsuccessfully) to extricate herself from this wiry predicament, my friend found herself … laughing. “Just imagine the look on the nurse’s face!” she thought, “when she walks through that door and sees me dangling halfway to the floor like some poor dolphin trapped in a fisherman’s net.”

My friend’s husband was literally on death’s door and don’t get me wrong, she was wholly grief-stricken and spent. But … she found the humour. And she allowed it to exist. She didn’t bury it under her mountain of pain. She didn’t ignore it because it was “inappropriate.” She allowed it to exist and she allowed it to become a vital component of her experience.

I believe it behooves us all to give oxygen to humour whenever possible. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies when it comes to “state of mind”. We prefer to drown in depression because lollygagging in laughter might make us seem frivolous. Shallow. Unserious.

Might also make us happier.

Many years ago I found myself drowning in that very depression whilst attempting my daily yoga practice. I would start this session with deep breathing, awaiting the call from The Universe (which always came.)  What did I need to focus on? What did I need to think about? What aspect of my psyche was in need of attention and possible work?

On this particular day I was very sad but I breathed and waited and waited some more and … nothing. Where the hell was The Universe? I was in need, damnit! I was in a state. I required help!

Nada.

So I started anyway. With a downward dog. And as my hands went down and my butt went up, my boobs ingloriously flopped out of my tank top.

I collapsed onto my mat in fits of laughter. I got it! I understand, oh clever Universe! Lighten up, Vickie! Stop taking everything so seriously. Laugh at yourself! Not every damn thing has to be a hardship waiting to happen. Be amused! Enjoy the levity! Laugh at yourself.

Whenever possible. Laugh at yourself.

We all make a thousand choices every single day. And most of those choices involve deciding how to respond. How to react. How to deal with whatever gets thrown in our path. Obviously, we cannot respond to everything with humour. But I would wager we can choose to respond to a far greater percentage of life’s foibles with a modicum of amusement. Find the fun. Welcome the whimsy. Enjoy the jocularity.

If you need help, think of me as your own personal whoopee cushion. At your service …

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Why Should We Untether Our Souls?

Posted on September 17, 2024 by winesoakedramblings - The Blog of Vickie van Dyke

I know that sounds highly namby-pamby but I do hope you’ll give me a moment to explain. Because I honestly need to try to explain it to myself.

A few weeks ago a good friend lent me a book – The Untethered Soul by Michael A Singer. I had heard of it (and him) but didn’t really know what to expect. Unfortunately I didn’t find the time (or impetus) to read the book and then my friend needed it back so … that was that. No soul untethered for me.

Until I got to thinking. What could it possibly mean? Having an untethered soul? What exactly are our souls tethered to? And why would we want or need to become unattached?

I decided to write my own book. Well, not a book exactly, but maybe a tiny treatise on the untethering of my own soul. Because I believe it ALL comes down to outcomes.

Outcomes. Results. Consequences. Finishes. And our attachment to them.

We are a society consumed with getting to the “ending” we want. We finish school so we can get a good job. We finish post-secondary so we can get an even better job. We get married so we can live happily ever after. We work out so we can be healthy and hot (maybe). Virtually every damn thing we do is designed to achieve something. Even when I go for my morning walk, when I commune with The Universe and revel in the stillness, the birds and the fresh air, I am working on my fitness. My blood pressure. And my mental health. I am walking for a REASON.

And then there are all the reasons that society places upon us, mores and codes and policies and standards that we feel compelled to adhere to so that we fit in. So that we don’t end up in jail. So that we don’t break commandments or become deviant. We exist in a constant battle to do what we want, get what we want and be who we want whilst at the same time doing, getting and being exactly who we are “supposed” to be.

According to … who?

It actually doesn’t really matter. The who is irrelevant. Because WE are the ones who make the choice to comply. WE are the ones who choose to be tethered.

And thus we arrive at Vickie’s Very Own concept of an Untethered Soul. Sorry Michael.

What if we end our attachment to outcomes? Or at least try?

My son is a musician. A very talented singer-songwriter. And now, on the eve of the release of his third (and very best!) album, I find myself (as always) praying for his success. Asking for universal validation for his talent and hard work. Begging for reward for ten years of music business slogging. Hoping beyond hope that the last piece of the puzzle – MAGIC – finally materializes. Because, as I said to him yesterday, he has done everything else. He has honed his talents and is writing his best songs ever. He has trained his voice and is singing beautifully. He has worked on “the package” at the gym and in his mind. He has learned to perform and he has learned to work social media and he has networked as much as integrity will allow. The only thing missing is … that big break. That morsel of magic that turns a really good musician into a successful one.

Outcome.

I am attached to the outcome. The result of my son’s gift and labours. The reward I believe he so deserves.

Outcome.

But not anymore. I am at least trying to release my tether to the outcome.

Because …. What does it matter? Would these last ten years of his be a waste if he doesn’t become a rich rock star? Would his original music be less valuable and treasured if it doesn’t earn a million streams? Would the rest of his life be doomed if he stopped pursuing music full-time and got a “real” job?

I can answer for an absolute fact – NO!

Because I lived it. I gave up full-time music when I was 31, without having a flipping clue where the rest of my life would take me. I just knew I was done with that chapter. Not the loving or making of music; just the trying to make money with music. None of that previous decade was a waste. Everything I did and learned and suffered led me to my next career (radio) which was completely unexpected and totally welcomed!

I was untethered without even knowing it.

And so now I will practice relishing the joy of my son’s musical journey, wherever it leads. It will lead somewhere and if that somewhere is unexpected and welcomed … even better!

What about thoughts?

We are usually quite tethered to our thoughts. We treat them as if they are gospel, as if we didn’t just make them up ourselves, as if they come into our brains via some divine guidance and must therefore be genuinely legitimate.

Hogwash.

It is up to US entirely to choose our thoughts, banish certain thoughts, ignore useless thoughts and cultivate positive thoughts. And I do believe one of the simplest ways to do that (and this goes for anxiety too) is – untether yourself from your thoughts. Let them pass through, acknowledge that yes, you thought them, but they don’t own you and they do not signify undeniable truth. Your thoughts are merely snapshots. Little polaroids of a moment in time, in your brain. Your thoughts WANT to lead you to an outcome. An outcome that, if not realized, will seem a failure.

But we don’t do outcomes anymore, right?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have goals and work toward them. I am saying we shouldn’t be tethered to only one version of our own book. Our own story. Unlocking all possibilities will only happen when we abandon out attachment to only one possibility.

Even in relationships. And this was a big one for me to come to. Because ESPECIALLY in relationships we are bound to conventions and expectations. We are tethered to theories of ‘one life, one love’ or … FOREVER is the goal or … true friendship never dies … or we must love everyone in our family or … (it goes on and on).

This ultimately leads to us living in the future, which is kind of a big fat waste of the present. Because if you’re constantly worried about what will happen tomorrow, how can you possibly be sucking the life out of what is happening today? Why is it so difficult for us to simply accept any relationship for what it is in the moment and leave it at that?

I was never very good at marriage and to be frank, even at my advanced age the idea of legally tethering myself to another human still scares the hell out of me. So I won’t do it. I would rather choose to stay in relationship, choose to work on a life together and still maintain the freedom to choose the door if that is the eventual path. Now, I know a lot of folks will argue the merits of making a commitment and working hard and sticking to it etc. and I am in no way opposing those pursuits. I am just saying that, for ME, I feel much freer and untethered without some religious-based, man-made, legal construct binding my heart.

Even with non-romantic relationships, this applies. True friendships sometimes run their course. People change. Priorities alter. Geography impacts, blood isn’t always thicker than water and forever is an overused lyric.

What if we remain open? Open to the absolute truth of any relationship? And therefore open to the changes, developments and modulations – both good and bad – that inevitably occur. What if this untethering allows us to let go when we need to? Let go in love as opposed to hanging on for dear life, even when the hanging on is untenable? Perhaps if we were less tethered to our people and more present in free will, we could avoid completely that great quest for …

Outcome.

We could just live each day to its fullest. In gratitude. With complete presence.

I’m sure there are many other ‘things’ to which we are tethered but this is where I have chosen to begin my own personal work:

Outcome.

Thoughts.

Relationship.

We’ll see what happens. And I will now go and read the real book and discover what Mr. Singer has to say.  Stay tuned for Part 2 …

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How Much Mind-Reading Do You Expect Your Partner to DO?

Posted on September 9, 2024 by winesoakedramblings - The Blog of Vickie van Dyke

I just saw this “alleged” quote yesterday, attributed to famed Mexican painter Frida Kahlo. Apparently she once said to her husband, “I’m not asking you to kiss me or to apologize when I think you’re wrong. I won’t ask you to hug me when I need it most, or to tell me I’m beautiful, even if it’s a lie. I won’t ask you to write me sweet words, call me to share how your day went, or tell me you miss me. I won’t ask you to appreciate what I do for you, to care for me when my soul is weary, or to support my decisions. I won’t even ask you to listen when I have a thousand stories to share. I won’t ask you for anything—not even to stay by my side forever. Because if I have to ask, I don’t want it anymore.”

Holy crap. My heart dropped. Literally sank to the floor. And once I caught my breath and read those words again, it came to me in a flash that … that I agree. I whole-heartedly agree with those words. I too do not want to have to ask or beg or remind or even suggest. I want all of those things Frida talks about to just BE. To just arrive. To just permeate my everyday life with awesomeness because my dear beloved is emotive, intuitive and brilliant and always knows exactly what to say and do. Especially when it comes to me. Yes … I want that!

I also want to live in fucking fairy-land with talking mice, a rich prince and a pumpkin.

Let’s face it, my friends, most of us don’t read minds and most of us do not fall in love with mind-readers so what are the chances that you will find a lovemate who knows exactly everything you might want/need/expect every hour of every day?

That’s not to say certain primary aspects of loving relationship (trust, curiosity, empathy and transparency) shouldn’t come naturally. They should. And if they don’t, if there is struggle to achieve natural chemistry and harmony, well then yes, the challenge to stay together will be tremendous. And possibly even futile.

But perhaps some of the other facets Frida mentions might benefit from a bit of nudging? An occasional reminder? Even an outright ask?

“I would love for you to kiss me. Kiss me like you did when we were first dating.”

Nothing wrong with that, right? A sweetly beautiful invitation, conjuring both memories and the promise of renewal. Of course the problem will arise when the guy says, “No thank you.” This actually happened to me once. The man I had been seeing for 5 months told me point-blank that he wasn’t really interested in “that kind of kissing” anymore. He didn’t mind the pecks and hugs, he just didn’t want passion. As least not the kissing kind.

Needless to say, before 6 months had passed, that relationship ended.

“Can I have a hug?”

Who could possibly say no to that? And the truth is – we don’t always know when a hug is needed and I suppose we could just blunder on up to our mate and squeeze, but I think asking for a hug is one of the most vulnerable quests in life. Why not be tender with your partner?

“Tell me I’m beautiful.”

Now that is a really tough one. Actually – impossible. Because honestly, the moment you have to ask, it no longer counts. I have written much about this, in blogs and in my book and I have talked about it endlessly in my life. The fact is … and this is a FACT – women like to be told they are beautiful. That word – BEAUTIFUL. Not pretty or attractive or look good or sexy … beautiful. There is something absolutely magical about that word. If you are a man reading this, let me be perfectly clear – I cannot overstate the currency in that one word. When she is ugly-crying, tell her that she is beautiful. When she first wakes up with sleep crusting her eyes, tell her that she’s beautiful. And for God’s sake, when she takes the time to get all gussied up for some special occasion, tell he she is beautiful.

This is not mind-reading. This should just be common practice with someone you love.

“Could you please write me some sweet words and tell me you miss me?”

I am a word girl so yes, an unexpected text filled with sweet words (not just logistics) will go a long way with me. And no, I will not ask for one. But if you KNOW I am a word girl, I can only hope you will choose (without me asking) to speak my love language every once in a while.

“Do you appreciate what I do for you?”

Well geez, that one is just common courtesy. Thanks for dinner, thanks for washing my clothes, thanks for shoveling the snow, thanks for whatever … no one should EVER have to ask for that. No matter what type of relationship you’re in.

“Can you care for me when my soul is weary?”

Now this is another really tough one. Is it obvious to others when our soul is weary? Do we ourselves even know when our souls are weary? And exactly what kind of care do we require to ease our weary souls?

I think this all comes down to empathy. And what IS empathy, if not a bit of mind-reading. Empathy is paying attention. Empathy is acknowledging. Empathy is understanding to the best of our ability and then doing what we can to help. So yes … if you notice that I am struggling, please do not just ignore and hope it goes away. Ask. And then act. My soul my well be depending on you.

“Do you support my decisions and do you still want to listen to my thousand stories?”  

Maybe we don’t always support our partner’s decisions but maybe we should try to support their right to make them. And maybe when we’ve been together for many years, we’ve heard the thousand stories and don’t really want to hear them again. But maybe we should listen anyway? Listen with love and respect for the sharing. We may already know the ending but it is the listening that is the gift.

“Will you stay by my side forever?”

What a lovely, romantic, fluffy, vacuous word salad of drivel. Sorry, but I am not living in a fairy tale and I do not believe in making promises that sound nice but have a better than 50% chance of NOT coming true. To me the more realistic question would be, “Are you willing to work WITH me to create the best possible relationship we can?”

And yes … that IS a question. And a question I would have no problem asking over and over again. Because staying IN a relationship is kind of like renewing your vows every single day. It’s like asking and answering the same question over and over again.

And there is no shame in asking.

So Frida … I am going to have to beg to differ. Although I find your words poetic and romantic and even somewhat epic … I also find them to be unrealistic and quixotic. We live in a real world filled with real people who make real mistakes and try their real best.

But I can assure you, not one single one of us is a mind-reader. And the moment you assume your partner can read yours is the exact moment YOU will stop trying. YOU will expect rainbows and roses. And YOU will abdicate all responsibility for the success of the relationship.

Which, of course, is just plain wrong.

A few weeks ago I was scrolling through “Threads” and I noticed that a good friend of mine had commented on a query: “What is your best advice for a newlywed who hopes for a long and happy marriage?”

My friend, who is long and happily married, replied, “Stop asking your husband to read your mind. Once I started asking for what I wanted, my husband became much more caring and attentive.”

Pretty simple, right? And sound advice to boot. Advice we could all stand to utilize in ALL relationships.

Yes, there are a few non-negotiables (like the “beautiful” thing) but for the most part, I believe that speaking your mind is so much less complicated than expecting someone to read it.

Now, if you do ask and you STILL don’t receive, then I think I’m with Frida. That is a big problem and … I don’t want it anymore.

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What Should We Do About Inattentive Friends?

Posted on September 3, 2024 by winesoakedramblings - The Blog of Vickie van Dyke

We all have them, right? The friends who ignore us for months on end? The friends to whom we regularly reach out or invite, with nary a reciprocal invitation to behold. The friends who don’t seem terribly invested in a friendship that we, for whatever reason, still hold dear.

Whether old acquaintance or new, we all have those friends. The ones who leave connection up to us and don’t seem to miss our company at all if we fail to instigate association. Or … the friends who are always happy to avail themselves of our hospitality without ever returning the favour.

What should we do about those friends?

I have been thinking about this of late … thinking long and hard. Mostly because I have concluded that, the older I get and the more I get to know myself and the further I establish my own parameters of behaviour … well, the less energy I am willing to expend on one-sided affiliations. The less I am inclined to keep trying. The less I need a giant roster of compadres to keep me content.

Because the truth is – relationship requires relations. Certainly some warrant more frequent rapport than others but if relations become lopsided or disregarded, what is left is simply transactional. There is no give and take, yin and yang. There is merely the giving (and receiving) of commodity. Whatever that might be.

So what should we do?

I recently enjoyed a facetime chat with an old friend, long overdue and most welcome. During which I confessed that I had been feeling abandoned. Somehow deserted and forsaken, something I would have never dreamed of doing to this same person in his hour of need. To his credit, he understood and acknowledged immediately (because we are, in fact, really good friends) and got directly to making things right.

He put relations back into our relationship.

But what about the other friends? The ones who you are pretty sure will not be amenable to such direct confrontation? What should you do with them? Send an email explaining your concerns? Invite them over for wine and a heart-to-heart? Banish them completely from your life?

Or nothing. Maybe you just do nothing?

And I do mean that quite literally.

The thing is … energy requires energy. We need to feed friendship and friendship needs to feed us. And if we find ourselves starving, desperate for the sustenance we are not receiving, why would we waste any more of our precious energy on an unwinnable pursuit?

Maybe because we believe it is actually winnable, if we keep trying hard enough. Maybe we don’t want to sacrifice history? Maybe we somehow blame ourselves and therefore accept the disparity.

Or maybe it really and truly is time to do nothing.

No big, bold move. No drama. No carefully chosen words or fiery confrontation.

Just … nothing. No more overtures, no more invitations, no more offerings.

Nothing.

When a person shows you their true colours, don’t try to repaint them. But … that doesn’t mean you can’t hold out hope that they might decide to repaint themselves? Let them. Give them space. Lots and lots of silent space. Maybe they will miss you? Maybe they won’t.

You will find out.

Eventually.

Many years ago, one of my dearest friends moved far away and her new life, ultimately, didn’t seem to hold much space for me. I was deeply hurt and just a little pissed off. Until another friend reminded me that she was just doing her and now it was time for me to just do me. No histrionics, no demands and no burning bridges. Just letting go and doing … nothing.

It took a few months, which no doubt graduated into years, but in the course of time she did start to show up. To make an effort. To value our relationship and work harder for it. I think she felt me slipping away (silence will do that) and realized (I hope) that I was worth fighting for. To this day our bond is strong.

And so I offer that, if your inattentive friends are troubling you, just do nothing. Fill in the gaps, pour your energy into more complimentary associations and just allow the nothing-ness to do its thing. Whatever that thing might be.

Sometimes inattentiveness is simply busy-ness. Or thoughtless-ness. Sometimes it is selfish-ness. Or inept-ness. Whatever the truth, your nothing-ness will ultimately give you all the answers you need.

All you have to do is …………..

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Is Anyone Ever Truly One of a Kind? (AKA Just Say Thank You)

Posted on August 27, 2024 by winesoakedramblings - The Blog of Vickie van Dyke

I recently had a brief text conversation with an old friend wherein I ascertained that he was most definitely “one of a kind”. To which he responded cleverly, “Aren’t we all?”

Right.

I guess we, quite literally, are.

But then I got to thinking about the phrase itself. The compliment. The words we use to express to someone how much we appreciate their uniqueness. Their singularity. Their absolute different-ness from other people in our experience.

I mean, I suppose “one of a kind” could also signify abnormality. Peculiarity. Weirdness. But I think that in polite society we typically equate “one of a kind” with positivity.

Think about the people you know. Your friends, your family, your workmates and your hobby-buddies. How many would you classify as “one of a kind”? Yes, of course, everyone has special qualities and attributes we may appreciate or even quirkiness we enjoy. But in the grand scheme of your acquaintance, how many people genuinely merit the moniker “one of a kind”?

My guess is – not many. Like it or not, we do all tend to follow the pack. Stay with the pack. Be in the pack. With little desire to stand out in the spotlight. We like our comfort zones and even our anonymity. We probably would delight in being called “one of a kind”, we’re just not anxious to actually be it.

And that’s okay.

In a strictly scientific sense we are, of course, each – one of a kind. But in the more poetic realm the phrase is, and should be, high praise. I can say with complete sincerity that, the few times it has been applied to me, I have relished its significance.

Which brings me back to my old friend.

I might have thought the obvious reply to being christened “one of a kind” would be, “Thank you.” However, in our quick-witted, soundbite era, too often cleverness trumps courtesy. Or is it simply the fact that we all have a hard time accepting commendation?

Who knows? It might be a bit of both.

All I can suggest is – be who you are with conviction and confidence. And when someone commends you, just say thank you.

Grace isn’t always easy. But I do believe this: if more of us practice it, more of us will, in fact, become “one of a kind.”

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Why I Hate the Thumbs-Up Emoticon (sometimes) and Other Texting Problems …

Posted on July 13, 2024 by winesoakedramblings - The Blog of Vickie van Dyke

Many years ago (in 2012 to be exact), I wrote a blog about the dumb things people say. Like “I’ll let you go now.”  (Nope. YOU want to go. You’re not letting me do anything.)

“To be honest with you.”  (Really? Because every other thing you’ve said is a lie?)

“Back in the day.” (What day? What year? What era? When the heck are you talking about?)

Okay, so I am a word girl and probably pay attention more than most. Which now, all these years later, brings me to texting and emoticons. Because we all acknowledge it is challenging to convey subtle emotion in a quick text, so we use emoticons to aid the process. If we can’t say it succinctly, we hope a little picture will help.

And quite often it does.

However … I have recently decided that the thumbs-up thingy can be incongruous. A tiddly bit double-edged. And ultimately a lot bit dismissive.

Look at it this way: if someone needs logistics from you and you provide them and they give you a thumbs up, it works. It makes sense. Got it, thank you, conversation ended.

But … if you’re having an actual dialogue, discussing ideas or philosophies or viewpoints or anything of substance, and the other person gives you a thumbs up, it can (and probably will) end that chat instantly. Sure, it’s an agreement (maybe) but more likely the responder is just done with the topic.

Perhaps they are busy? I get that. But why are we so addicted to the need to reply quickly? Especially if the conversation is esoteric in nature? Is there an emoticon for “more later”? Or could we just say, “Gotta run … to be continued.”  Maybe we type, “I totally agree with you.”

Or maybe we could just leave it until we have more opportunity?

But we can’t. Because we are now so accustomed to rapid-response, we feel it is our duty to type something. Emoticons are fast and easy. So are things like Thnx, NP and TTYL.

I recently read that Dolly Parton refuses to text. Anyone. Period. Because she does not want to succumb to this new “obligation” to respond in good time. “Good” time in someone else’s definition. But the fact is “good” time is YOUR time. Your choice. Your discretion. At least it should be. But these days, it doesn’t matter. The obligation is assumed.

Well … isn’t this a whole new can of worms? First we invent texting and then we invent emoticons to help us text and now Vickie says, “Be careful how you use those damn things because you might screw up and offend even further?”

I guess I’m just overly sensitive. Or old. Longing for the days of sitting on the floor, telephone cord wrapped around my hand, prattling for hours without worrying about interpretation. Or simply not answering because I am busy (or call display has been my friend).

Don’t get me wrong … I adore the usefulness of modern technology. It also befuddles me more often than it should.

Maybe just think twice before thumbing up. No doubt there are more like me out there. And quite possibly there is a more consciously delicate way to say …

Over and out.

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Is True Freedom Really the Ability to Be Disliked?

Posted on July 9, 2024 by winesoakedramblings - The Blog of Vickie van Dyke

I just read that. Some long-haired guy on Instagram who is obviously an expert on life said it. So it must be true.

But is it?

I mean, first off, how do you get to a place where you honestly don’t care if anyone likes you?

  1. You figure out how to like yourself. You wade through all the shit you have caused in your life and the mistakes you have made and the hearts you have broken and the problems you have caused and … you make amends. With yourself. Of course you can also attempt to make amends with those you may have hurt but if that isn’t possible, you make amends with yourself. You take ownership, acknowledge accountability and then … forgive yourself. And mean it! It is absolutely imperative that you mean it.
  2. You dig deep into why people liking you is important? Are you a people-pleaser? A social- media-validation-seeker?  An individual with low self-esteem? Someone so deeply traumatized by a past event that skating through life drama-free is now your primary goal? There are so many levels of desperation and man, it can be an emotionally draining slog trying to sort out who you really are … and why. A worthwhile slog though, I reckon. Because once you determine who you are and why, you can decide who you’re going to be (and when). And what glorious freedom is that? Arriving at a place where YOU are in charge. Of you. Sounds simple and yet it is probably the most difficult destination to dispatch.
  3. You determine whose opinion really matters. I mean REALLY matters. And when you make that determination you will most likely conclude that the number is quite small. And the elite few who achieve this hallowed position of consequence often have their own unique reasons for judging you. Reasons that have everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.

Case in point (I’ll work backwards on the above: When I was 18 and entering my first year of university, my parents and sister jetted off to Germany for an exchange year (my dad was a prof, my sister a student of languages). I stayed home to study drama (in English, thank you very much). And to be near my boyfriend who also had recently adopted the mantle of “Vickie’s first lover.” Prior to their departure, my mother discovered (quite by accident) that I had started taking the pill. One might think she would have been delighted by my responsible attitude but no … she was pissed! She barely spoke a word to me in our final weeks of cohabitation. She did not like me one bit!

She got over it. Eventually. And on that occasion, I did not allow her disdain to colour my opinion of myself. I knew who I was and what I was doing.

Fast forward 25 years and I left my husband for the first of many times (this particular outing lasted a whole night). My mother called the hotel where I was in sanctuary and told me that she loved me but didn’t like me very much. Yup. She did it again.

But this time it damn near killed me.

I was already a fragile mess and to have my own mother once again pass judgment on my “likability” was just too much. In hindsight she might have said, “I don’t like your choices” or “I don’t like your actions” but she said, “I don’t like YOU.”

I got over it. And I still ended up leaving my husband (eventually). Because my mother’s ability to like ME did not in any way factor into my desire (or ability) to stay married. She was running her own program based on her own codes and inclinations and then anointing (or not) her “likes” accordingly. Fair enough. Not necessarily loving or astute but understandable.

See how it works? We pick and choose the ‘dislikes’ that might affect us. In the short term and in the long term. I am absolutely certain my mother liked me LOTS on the day she died.

So to #2 – Becoming free of the need for validation, especially in this day and age, is challenging indeed. I mean c’mon – there are women on Instagram with millions of followers for no other reason than they look good in a bikini. As John Mayer once said, “Congratulations on your face!”

For us mere mortals, the lure of endorsement and recognition can become addictive and as elusive as a pink unicorn. But we seek anyway. Constantly. Why? What do we hope to gain from this desperate (and very public) quest to be liked?

I have no idea. All I see is further addiction. So if you feel like you might be a tad compulsive, maybe rethink your motives. Because if your intent is to be FREE, an addiction of any sort will never get you there. Quite the opposite.

So then there’s #1 – figuring out how to like yourself. For some, this can be the most ambitious enterprise of a lifetime.  It is so much easier to let other people determine your attractiveness. Your likeability-quotient. Your appeal. God knows the entire damn world will weigh in at some time or another. All you have to do is listen and absorb. And believe.

Fuck that.

Once you take ownership of who you are based on accountability for what you’ve done and belief in what you still will do … that is when you will truly discover YOU. It’s funny how it goes – the more work you do, the more in touch with yourself you become and the more you like what you see. In the mirror. And with that confidence comes an inflexible expectation that you are worthy. Period.

So then what? What do you do when someone … anyone … does or says something … anything … to make you feel less than worthy. How do you combat that feeling of inadequacy that creeps in? That wash of self-blame that blankets us when we feel un-liked? Undeserving? Un-everything?

You remind yourself of who you are. The good you’ve done. The love you’ve offered and the love you’ve shared. The generosity you have displayed and the honesty with which you have approached every relationship. You ever-so-delicately remove any and all power from the person who has “hurt” you (with them being none the wiser) and place it back where it belongs. IN you. WITH you. The power IS you.

The ability to be disliked makes it sound like a talent you can develop or a skill you can master. It isn’t either of those. It goes more to the ability to like yourself. To like yourself so profoundly, honestly and truly that no one can rattle your backbone. Your resolve is steadfast. Your belief in yourself is unassailable. The only arrows that can hurt you are the ones in your own quiver. Sure, anybody can take a shot and they might even hit you. But the wound won’t penetrate. Because you know exactly who you are.

And that is freedom. True freedom.

Whether you like it or not.

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Our Absolute Inherent Need to Be Needed!

Posted on June 5, 2024 by winesoakedramblings - The Blog of Vickie van Dyke

I have a good friend, a dear gentleman of senior years, who prides himself on being independent. Even when age and ailments could be slowing him down (and perhaps do) he continues to get stuff done on his own. Even when offered, he refuses help. Even if an extra set of hands could make the task so much easier, he refuses assistance. Even if getting it done solo might exacerbate existing maladies, he does it solo anyway.

It’s a pride thing. He used to do it alone, he has always done it alone and now dagnabbit he is going to continue to do it alone even if it hurts!

I have another friend who recently went through some troubling emotional times. When I asked why it took so long for her to reach out, she confessed she didn’t want to burden anyone. Especially her best friend who is a fairly recent widow. That poor woman is living enough grief. Why would anyone want to add more?

Which brings me to two of my wonderful neighbours, both widowed in the last month. We are not besties or even long-term buddies. Just convivial street-mates who socialize on occasion and help each other out when requested.

Except for yesterday. I had a technology crisis and wanted to test a different internet provider, one which N utilizes. I tested, it worked, crisis averted. And then N and I started talking. And, after a month of her needing me, needing a dog-sitter, needing a shoulder, needing baked goods and hugs and a safe place to cry or chat or have a drink or just be, we both realized that – at that moment – I needed HER. I needed a friend to confide in. I needed an ear and an ally. I needed fellowship and she provided it most willingly. Even in HER hour of great need, MY need was graciously and lovingly welcomed to her table. Because the thing is … we all need to be needed.

I believe our need to be needed is inherent. In our DNA. Inescapable. When we are needed we feel valued. Prized. Even treasured. We feel important, as if our contributions really matter. Our self-esteem blooms, our self-respect flourishes and our hearts fill with altruistic gratification. Yes! We feel grateful to be needed!

Much in the same way that when someone needs us, THEY feel grateful when we show up. This symbiotic gratitude is a beautiful thing. And quite easily achieved.

My fiercely independent gentleman friend is truly one of the most helpful people I know. Literally, the guy who will do anything for anybody. So why then is he so vehemently opposed to returning the favour? Because the truth is, even though it seems like you are ASKING for a favour, you are in fact offering someone a chance to feel appreciated. To be a valued member of your community. To be trusted and useful.

And don’t we all want to be useful?

I learned yesterday that even a person in the throes of grief needs to be needed. Because we all do.

My friend T’s mother is now experiencing the relentless forward march of dementia. He has become a caregiver and a (not always welcomed) decision-maker. Except for last week when he asked HER for some advice. Like back in the old days, when she was the momma and he was her baby.

According to T, her countenance shifted dramatically. It was almost like her disorder vanished and his old mother reappeared. At which time she offered unexpectedly wise counsel.  Even if it was just for a brief moment, she was back!

The need to be needed is that strong.

Our need to be needed can also backfire, leading to codependent or unhealthy relationships. I myself have fallen down this rabbit hole several times, allowing my need to be needed to overwhelm common sense boundaries and even self-preservation.

But I have learned. I have learned to ask for help freely and optimistically when I require it. Or even when it would just make my life that much smoother. And I have learned to offer help freely and optimistically. With the hope that I can do the same for someone else.

It’s win-win.

Yes, it demands vulnerability. Risk. The admission that you NEED and the fear that you might not GET.

But I think it’s worth it.

Without meaning to sound insensitive, I believe my friend’s bestie (the widow) would have relished the opportunity to explore someone else’s pain. To help someone who had so profoundly helped HER all these months. To give back. To not just need but be needed.

They say it takes a village. Most of us want a village. Need a village. So don’t be afraid to offer service and don’t be afraid to accept it. It’s all part of the dance of life. It takes two to tango. You move backward and then you move forward. You need and then you are needed. Both are so very valuable. Harmony is created.

Cha cha cha.

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Who Is the Love of Your Life?

Posted on May 15, 2024 by winesoakedramblings - The Blog of Vickie van Dyke

(or … why we should all listen to Viola Davis!)

I used to believe it was the most romantic phrase in all language – love of my life.

Wow!

In all of my life, before and henceforth, you are IT, baby. The BIG one. You are my soulmate. The ONLY one. You are my dream come true and no one else will ever come close. Set off those Disney fireworks, honey, because I finally found the answer to my prayers. YOU are the love of my life.

I guess it happens. Happens and sticks, I mean. I thought it happened to me once, I truly did. All of the above and add some more nauseating hyperbole if you want. Trouble is it didn’t stick. So now what? Am I done? Out of loves? I mean I’m still alive so I still have the life thing but since I previously anointed somebody the “love” thing and it didn’t work out, is it all over for me?

No. Because I carried on, learned some shit and decided the true love of my life was not some random Prince Charming dude. It was my son. My one and only son was the one and only true love of my life. And he is! He is certainly top of my love totem pole. The love I love the most. And I’m quite certain this love will endure.

But then I heard Viola Davis speak. Oh, how I love Viola Davis. And she talked about her own child, and about teaching her daughter that SHE was the love of her life. Her offspring was the love of her own life. Not momma’s life. HER life.

In other words, dear reader … YOU are the love of your own life.

You. Are. The. Love. Of. Your. Own. Life.

Or you should be.

Because you are the only person who will be with you non-stop for this entire glorious ride. You are the only person who can honestly make YOU happy. Others may bring happiness TO you or create joy WITH you but only YOU are in charge of your day-to-day emotions. Your victories. Your defeats. Your boredom and your exhilaration. YOU are the person you can count on. YOU are the somebody who has got your back. You are the leading character in your own memoir.

Most of us find this too difficult to accept because we feel it makes us seem selfish or egotistical. But when you think about it, isn’t it selfish and egotistical to expect some other human to meet all your needs? Gratify your appetites? Fulfill your most ardent dreams?

In my younger days, I actually believed that finding the love of my life would guarantee a happy ending to my challenging and dissatisfied existence. Like fairy dust, I thought a wee sprinkle of true love would solve all my problems and lead me (and my Prince) to everlasting harmony.

Nope.

That’s not to say that good love won’t enhance your life. And great love might detonate all-out pyrotechnics. I would be lying if I said it won’t matter if my son doesn’t find such emotion. It will. We are all built (to varying degrees) for relationship and partnership.

But relationship and partnership with oneself is SO important. The most important. What is that old saying? You can’t love someone else until you love yourself. Something like that.

So why not put yourself in the driver’s seat of your life and while you’re at it, make yourself the destination too. Treat yourself exactly as you would treat a person you adore with all your heart. Suck on all the oxygen you require first, so that you will have something in the tank to offer the other loves in your life. Don’t waste all your gas searching for the love of your life when she is staring at you in the mirror. Treat her with kindness and respect, serve her needs with grace and make HER the love of your life. Work hard for her and be proud of her.

Work hard for YOU and be proud of YOU. Make YOU the love of your life.

And then watch “other” love flow into your orbit. Because it will. The law of attraction dictates.

You are not only allowed to be the love of your own life, you should be.

Thank you, Ms. Davis.

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