I just saw this “alleged” quote yesterday, attributed to famed Mexican painter Frida Kahlo. Apparently she once said to her husband, “I’m not asking you to kiss me or to apologize when I think you’re wrong. I won’t ask you to hug me when I need it most, or to tell me I’m beautiful, even if it’s a lie. I won’t ask you to write me sweet words, call me to share how your day went, or tell me you miss me. I won’t ask you to appreciate what I do for you, to care for me when my soul is weary, or to support my decisions. I won’t even ask you to listen when I have a thousand stories to share. I won’t ask you for anything—not even to stay by my side forever. Because if I have to ask, I don’t want it anymore.”

Holy crap. My heart dropped. Literally sank to the floor. And once I caught my breath and read those words again, it came to me in a flash that … that I agree. I whole-heartedly agree with those words. I too do not want to have to ask or beg or remind or even suggest. I want all of those things Frida talks about to just BE. To just arrive. To just permeate my everyday life with awesomeness because my dear beloved is emotive, intuitive and brilliant and always knows exactly what to say and do. Especially when it comes to me. Yes … I want that!

I also want to live in fucking fairy-land with talking mice, a rich prince and a pumpkin.

Let’s face it, my friends, most of us don’t read minds and most of us do not fall in love with mind-readers so what are the chances that you will find a lovemate who knows exactly everything you might want/need/expect every hour of every day?

That’s not to say certain primary aspects of loving relationship (trust, curiosity, empathy and transparency) shouldn’t come naturally. They should. And if they don’t, if there is struggle to achieve natural chemistry and harmony, well then yes, the challenge to stay together will be tremendous. And possibly even futile.

But perhaps some of the other facets Frida mentions might benefit from a bit of nudging? An occasional reminder? Even an outright ask?

“I would love for you to kiss me. Kiss me like you did when we were first dating.”

Nothing wrong with that, right? A sweetly beautiful invitation, conjuring both memories and the promise of renewal. Of course the problem will arise when the guy says, “No thank you.” This actually happened to me once. The man I had been seeing for 5 months told me point-blank that he wasn’t really interested in “that kind of kissing” anymore. He didn’t mind the pecks and hugs, he just didn’t want passion. As least not the kissing kind.

Needless to say, before 6 months had passed, that relationship ended.

“Can I have a hug?”

Who could possibly say no to that? And the truth is – we don’t always know when a hug is needed and I suppose we could just blunder on up to our mate and squeeze, but I think asking for a hug is one of the most vulnerable quests in life. Why not be tender with your partner?

“Tell me I’m beautiful.”

Now that is a really tough one. Actually – impossible. Because honestly, the moment you have to ask, it no longer counts. I have written much about this, in blogs and in my book and I have talked about it endlessly in my life. The fact is … and this is a FACT – women like to be told they are beautiful. That word – BEAUTIFUL. Not pretty or attractive or look good or sexy … beautiful. There is something absolutely magical about that word. If you are a man reading this, let me be perfectly clear – I cannot overstate the currency in that one word. When she is ugly-crying, tell her that she is beautiful. When she first wakes up with sleep crusting her eyes, tell her that she’s beautiful. And for God’s sake, when she takes the time to get all gussied up for some special occasion, tell he she is beautiful.

This is not mind-reading. This should just be common practice with someone you love.

“Could you please write me some sweet words and tell me you miss me?”

I am a word girl so yes, an unexpected text filled with sweet words (not just logistics) will go a long way with me. And no, I will not ask for one. But if you KNOW I am a word girl, I can only hope you will choose (without me asking) to speak my love language every once in a while.

“Do you appreciate what I do for you?”

Well geez, that one is just common courtesy. Thanks for dinner, thanks for washing my clothes, thanks for shoveling the snow, thanks for whatever … no one should EVER have to ask for that. No matter what type of relationship you’re in.

“Can you care for me when my soul is weary?”

Now this is another really tough one. Is it obvious to others when our soul is weary? Do we ourselves even know when our souls are weary? And exactly what kind of care do we require to ease our weary souls?

I think this all comes down to empathy. And what IS empathy, if not a bit of mind-reading. Empathy is paying attention. Empathy is acknowledging. Empathy is understanding to the best of our ability and then doing what we can to help. So yes … if you notice that I am struggling, please do not just ignore and hope it goes away. Ask. And then act. My soul my well be depending on you.

“Do you support my decisions and do you still want to listen to my thousand stories?”  

Maybe we don’t always support our partner’s decisions but maybe we should try to support their right to make them. And maybe when we’ve been together for many years, we’ve heard the thousand stories and don’t really want to hear them again. But maybe we should listen anyway? Listen with love and respect for the sharing. We may already know the ending but it is the listening that is the gift.

“Will you stay by my side forever?”

What a lovely, romantic, fluffy, vacuous word salad of drivel. Sorry, but I am not living in a fairy tale and I do not believe in making promises that sound nice but have a better than 50% chance of NOT coming true. To me the more realistic question would be, “Are you willing to work WITH me to create the best possible relationship we can?”

And yes … that IS a question. And a question I would have no problem asking over and over again. Because staying IN a relationship is kind of like renewing your vows every single day. It’s like asking and answering the same question over and over again.

And there is no shame in asking.

So Frida … I am going to have to beg to differ. Although I find your words poetic and romantic and even somewhat epic … I also find them to be unrealistic and quixotic. We live in a real world filled with real people who make real mistakes and try their real best.

But I can assure you, not one single one of us is a mind-reader. And the moment you assume your partner can read yours is the exact moment YOU will stop trying. YOU will expect rainbows and roses. And YOU will abdicate all responsibility for the success of the relationship.

Which, of course, is just plain wrong.

A few weeks ago I was scrolling through “Threads” and I noticed that a good friend of mine had commented on a query: “What is your best advice for a newlywed who hopes for a long and happy marriage?”

My friend, who is long and happily married, replied, “Stop asking your husband to read your mind. Once I started asking for what I wanted, my husband became much more caring and attentive.”

Pretty simple, right? And sound advice to boot. Advice we could all stand to utilize in ALL relationships.

Yes, there are a few non-negotiables (like the “beautiful” thing) but for the most part, I believe that speaking your mind is so much less complicated than expecting someone to read it.

Now, if you do ask and you STILL don’t receive, then I think I’m with Frida. That is a big problem and … I don’t want it anymore.