Do you know what I hate?  I mean, besides brussel sprouts, people who are rude to waiters and going to the gym?  I hate when you’re talking on the phone and then suddenly the other person says “Well, I’ll let you go now.”

What the hell is that all about?  Let you go where, exactly?  Are they going to plan the destination for you too?

The truth is they are not letting you go.  They are going.  They want to go.  They are done talking with you and they are saying bu-bye.  They are just trying to do it nicely (or so they think) so they pin the onus on you.  As in “Golly, gee, you must be terribly busy so as much as I’d like to chat with you until the cattle returns, I will let you go.”

Bullshit.  If you’re done talking or if you have somewhere else to be, just say so.  “I gotta go now” works fine.

The other one I hate is “To be honest with you.”  What the heck?  You mean every other word you have uttered is an outright lie and you’re only now just coming clean?  How can I trust anything you ever say ever again if it is not prefaced with those words?  Man, the assumptions we make …

And here’s another one – “At the end of the day”.  What day?  This day?  The day that’s coming up tomorrow?  A bygone day?  Every day? What in tarnation does it mean when someone says “at the end of the day”?   I  think it’s kinda  like “when all is said and done”.   But then, when you really think about it, is all ever said and done?  I don’t think so.  There’s definitely going to be more saying and doing tomorrow, baby.

Which brings me to the penultimate.  “I’m not the guy for you.”

Oh, of course, how silly of me, I forgot you’re not the guy for me at around the same time I forgot that you can read my fucking mind!

How do you know you’re not the guy for me?  Was there a checklist when we first started dating and now you’ve suddenly realized that you missed some boxes?  Did you take a poll of my girlfriends and finally learn the ugly truth?  Did my mother call you up and say “Hey buddy, leave my kid alone?”

I don’t think so.  I think that what you’re really trying to say is  I’m not the girl for you.  Because face it, you have no flipping clue what I want, what I’ll put up with or what I’m willing to work on.  Which means you have no clue if you’re the guy for me.

But I can tell you with all certainty that I am not the girl for you.  How do I know this?  I know this because you said it.

You just said it backwards.