We all have them, right? The friends who ignore us for months on end? The friends to whom we regularly reach out or invite, with nary a reciprocal invitation to behold. The friends who don’t seem terribly invested in a friendship that we, for whatever reason, still hold dear.

Whether old acquaintance or new, we all have those friends. The ones who leave connection up to us and don’t seem to miss our company at all if we fail to instigate association. Or … the friends who are always happy to avail themselves of our hospitality without ever returning the favour.

What should we do about those friends?

I have been thinking about this of late … thinking long and hard. Mostly because I have concluded that, the older I get and the more I get to know myself and the further I establish my own parameters of behaviour … well, the less energy I am willing to expend on one-sided affiliations. The less I am inclined to keep trying. The less I need a giant roster of compadres to keep me content.

Because the truth is – relationship requires relations. Certainly some warrant more frequent rapport than others but if relations become lopsided or disregarded, what is left is simply transactional. There is no give and take, yin and yang. There is merely the giving (and receiving) of commodity. Whatever that might be.

So what should we do?

I recently enjoyed a facetime chat with an old friend, long overdue and most welcome. During which I confessed that I had been feeling abandoned. Somehow deserted and forsaken, something I would have never dreamed of doing to this same person in his hour of need. To his credit, he understood and acknowledged immediately (because we are, in fact, really good friends) and got directly to making things right.

He put relations back into our relationship.

But what about the other friends? The ones who you are pretty sure will not be amenable to such direct confrontation? What should you do with them? Send an email explaining your concerns? Invite them over for wine and a heart-to-heart? Banish them completely from your life?

Or nothing. Maybe you just do nothing?

And I do mean that quite literally.

The thing is … energy requires energy. We need to feed friendship and friendship needs to feed us. And if we find ourselves starving, desperate for the sustenance we are not receiving, why would we waste any more of our precious energy on an unwinnable pursuit?

Maybe because we believe it is actually winnable, if we keep trying hard enough. Maybe we don’t want to sacrifice history? Maybe we somehow blame ourselves and therefore accept the disparity.

Or maybe it really and truly is time to do nothing.

No big, bold move. No drama. No carefully chosen words or fiery confrontation.

Just … nothing. No more overtures, no more invitations, no more offerings.

Nothing.

When a person shows you their true colours, don’t try to repaint them. But … that doesn’t mean you can’t hold out hope that they might decide to repaint themselves? Let them. Give them space. Lots and lots of silent space. Maybe they will miss you? Maybe they won’t.

You will find out.

Eventually.

Many years ago, one of my dearest friends moved far away and her new life, ultimately, didn’t seem to hold much space for me. I was deeply hurt and just a little pissed off. Until another friend reminded me that she was just doing her and now it was time for me to just do me. No histrionics, no demands and no burning bridges. Just letting go and doing … nothing.

It took a few months, which no doubt graduated into years, but in the course of time she did start to show up. To make an effort. To value our relationship and work harder for it. I think she felt me slipping away (silence will do that) and realized (I hope) that I was worth fighting for. To this day our bond is strong.

And so I offer that, if your inattentive friends are troubling you, just do nothing. Fill in the gaps, pour your energy into more complimentary associations and just allow the nothing-ness to do its thing. Whatever that thing might be.

Sometimes inattentiveness is simply busy-ness. Or thoughtless-ness. Sometimes it is selfish-ness. Or inept-ness. Whatever the truth, your nothing-ness will ultimately give you all the answers you need.

All you have to do is …………..